fitting in

When I was younger (I won't say how much younger because it might be embarrassing.) I wrote a punk song about how I didn't want to fit in. But as I get older, the more and more I realize that isn't true. I do want to fit in. I think the punk song was more about what I wanted to want, rather than what I actually wanted. Because when you want to fit in, you so often get disappointed, so it's much better just to not want it.

This question has been bouncing around in my brain since the end of the year. I have been to a few different places - U of T, Sheridan, La Pocatiere, high school, Skule Nite, various churches, various classes - and I'm wondering where I actually fit. In high school, I was the smart one, so I went to U of T. At U of T, I was the theatre one, so I went to Sheridan. And now, at Sheridan, I don't know what I am, so I don't know where to go next.

So here's the question: do you fit in where you blend in the most or where you stand out the most? Denise Norman told me that I was unique, which I have heard before, but honestly, hasn't everyone?* But if I am truly unique, maybe I won't blend in anywhere. Maybe the place where I belong is where who I am will be brought to light, and that might be shown by contrast rather than in a context of similar people.

I don't know. Maybe there is no such place.


*Isn't it ironic? Don't you think?

it's funny because it's true

Those who internet-stalk me will probably notice that I've been telling everyone about this picture. I don't care. I think it's really funny and I can't go to sleep.

every mountain and hill made low

Today, right after I finished making this speech about how I don't like bad grammar, I said "I speak really good."

Ouch. It seems my God is one of irony.

are you racist?

I kinda want to write a one of the quizzes you find in teen magazines that are suppossed to tell you whether you're "flirty" or "outrageous", by asking you ten questions. Except, the fact is that the questions are so out there that they just don't mean anything.

I want to do a quiz that figures out whether you're racist. The questions would be equally shallow.

How many friends from visual minorities do you have?
a. Soooo many
b. Like, five
c. One, maybe

Do you like food of different ethinicities?
a. Love it.
b. Like it.
c. Don't like the idea of meat that isn't from a farm, won't eat anything raw, won't eat the feet or brains of anything.

Okay, so I realize that this is a bit offensive, so let me make clear what my point is. These kinds of questions don't really say anything, right? They don't tell me whether you're racist or not. However, embarrassingly often, people will tell me facts like these (i.e. "I have lots of Asian friends." or "Pad thai is my favourite food.") in order to justify themselves.

Fine, if you say you're not racist, I'll believe you, but don't pretend you're not ignorant. Don't pretend that you're not making assumptions about people. Don't pretend that you're not a little uncomfortable with people different than you, if that's the case.

I think that's what irks me about not being white sometimes. I think it's funny that I fill some of the stereotypes, but when anything is assumed about me, even if it's true, it kinda feels like I'm being talked to rather than talked with. And when people talk about "these Asian people" doing this and this, I feel like that's all being added to that glob of assumptions they'll make.

And eventually, when people get to know me, I won't be Asian anymore. I'll be their friend, instead. But even though I don't speak Korean or have Korean friends, this is a part of who I am. But I also don't want to be their "Asian friend" who they use to justify their ignorance.

I'm getting really confused. I'm not mad, but sometimes I get a little upset about stuff like this. I usually laugh because it's funny that some people don't get when they're being a little offensive - but what is it indicative of? Maybe a small I-don't-know-any-better, or maybe it's an ignorance that they won't admit.

And, do you know what? Now that I'm thinking about it, I'm just as guilty. But that doesn't make it better.

es·ther ('es-t&r) -adj.

Has your name ever been used as an adjective? It seems to happen to me everyone once in a while and I usually love it, but right now, I'm just confused by it.

I mean, I've tried to pin down what people meant - I even tried using esther (-adj). This is me asking a friend an opinion on a shirt:
"What do you think of this?"
"I like it."
"I do too, but I'm not sure it's 'me'."
"... If you like it, then it's you."
"... Oh."

I can't define this word! What does it mean when something is so "esther" and why does everyone else seem to have an idea? I love that people find something about me that merits it's own word, but it's frustrating when I, myself, don't understand its meaning.

When I think about it, I've often made other people's names into adjectives for them. I wonder if they understand their adjective.

"shoulda said"

There's this really fun improv game that I watched once where you play a scene and every once in a while the director will interrupt and say "shoulda said" and you have to take back what you just said and say something even better.

Wouldn't it be nice if life was like that? If someone watched your conversations and intervened occasionally to make your conversation 10 million times more entertaining? Or maybe not even more entertaining, but a little bit more tactful, a little bit more helpful.

Right now, I keep on rerunning conversations in my head, and trying to make them better - trying to make a different world where people always understand me, always get my jokes. Or maybe being a little off-the-mark sometimes is part of my charm.

Have you ever done something that is so embarrassing that you can't stop thinking about it? I have those moments often.

do you really want to live forever?

When I said I'd be going to Sheridan College for musical theatre, people were like, "Oh man! It's just like Fame*!" And when we first came to school, people were hyped and ready to work hard to prove that they could "make it in the business."** But now, people are deciding to leave, and it's eye-opening. "You mean, we can leave this place if we want?"

I remember at the end of first year of Eng Sci, and the big question floating around was, "What are you switching into?" So many people left to go into other disciplines after that first year, and more and more as we went into second year. Funny, eh? Both programs are hard, but in Eng Sci, we assumed most people would leave, and here, we can't imagine leaving.

But, here, I guess school is like the realization of a dream. It's the first step before you go out into the real world. And learning that your dream isn't what you thought it was is really serious. And then musical theatre school becomes a safe place - sure, it's hard, but people tell you what to do, and no one's rejecting you yet.

Anyway, if any of you ex-Music Theatre people read this, I wish you well. I hope you find your dreams and chase them. Dear God, I hope the same for myself.




*A show/movie I have yet to see.
**I can't tell you how many times I've heard the phrase "If you're going to make it in the business." It's like the Big Phrase that the teacher know will get us.

what's a little stalking between friends?

Once, when I was talking about the new, cool Facebook, my grumpy friend replied, "I resent the use of the word 'community' in this context." At the time I said, "Whatever, dude," but as I spend hours and hours on the computer looking at pictures of people I wouldn't even say hello to, I'm beginning to get a bit wary.

I mean, this isn't a new topic. MySpace has been around forever, along with Blogger and Flickr and Friendster, etc, etc, and maybe Facebook isn't as new and wonderful as we think. And, sure, Facebook is a great way to share pictures, exchange little notes. I guess I'm just a little afraid of what this might do to us.

According to Facebook, I have 293 friends. What?! I have 293 friends, yet, I spend almost every evening on the internet? Evidently, we have changed the meaning of "friend." A friend isn't someone you care about and hang out with - a friend is now someone you're willing to show your pictures to.

Are we slowly redefining our social practices based on a website? My homepage will tell me how your relationship status changed when I'm hardly willing to email you.

I know why we do it. We're all constantly waiting for someone to notice us, and now, we get to advertise. We all want to feel connected to people, and we can do that by looking at all the pictures they're in. But when does it start becoming a replacement for true friendships and real community?

Maybe I'm just lonely.*

*Just joking. Don't feel sorry for me.

endorphins or self-righteousness

Whenever I feel crappy, people always suggest that I go to the gym.
"The endorphin rush, man! You'll feel so much better!"

Now, I don't need to tell you yet again how much I don't like exercise, but as my New Year's resolution is to go the the gym once a week (I know. Very ambitious.), I have been using any kind of mental trick to get myself there. So after berating and guilting myself, I'm willing to try and believe that going to the gym will make me happy.

And do you know what? I do feel good leaving the gym, but I don't think it has anything to do with endorphins. I think it's just that I feel like I'm better than everyone else. When people see me with my smelly gym bag*, I think "Yup. I'm coming from the GYM. Where are you coming from? Oh wait, sorry. I couldn't hear you. I guess my ears are just too attuned to the whirring of the elliptical machine that I was on for the last half-hour."

You know, it's probably easier to say it was the endorphins, eh?




*The smelly gym bag is probably the only proof that I went to the gym at all. I mean, I'm not about to pull a Hans-and-Frans-style "Where's the beach?" to show off my barely-defined arms.

bedtime brain-dead

This morning I thought of a really cool thing to write on my blog. "Yeah!" I said to myself, "That's hilarious, insightful, and interesting. You should really write that down."

Of course, I didn't and I am bedtime brain-dead. I'm trying to say something here, but I have run out of things to say - in school, we're always communicating something, anything: just emptying our hearts hoping we get something back. And now, when I want to just say a few words to the people who care to read my blog*, I'm lacking. I have nothing to say besides witty comebacks and inside jokes, which is awesome for ear training class, but less-than-awesome when you want to be a current culture relevant artist, or even just an interesting blogger.



*Someone found my blog, and I expressed my great shame at having one. I mean, how lame is it to make yourself vulnerable in a public forum? Maybe not so lame.
"This is my song for the asking." -Paul Simon