moving

I'm moving! Why? Well, it has the semblance of being productive.
http://estherhasablog.wordpress.com

taking my own advice/following my brother's example

I was talking to my sister on the weekend, and she was talking about when we were kids. If Danny would act up, we had completely different approaches to it. Gloria, in all her 11-year-old wisdom, decided that the best way for us to help him was to set an example. My response, according to her, was "That won't work!!" so I decided to yell at him while Gloria acted how she thought he should act.

Today, the trend continues. I still yell at my brother (though not as often, and much subtler), and my latest piece of "advice" to my brother was to write in his blog daily. He wants to be a writer, and it seemed like good advice. What I didn't really anticipate is that he would actually do it. Instead of waiting for inspiration, he's just writing down his uninspired thoughts, and the result is wonderful. So, now, by some weird combination of things, I am following my brother following my advice. I'm going to try and write a blog everyday. Maybe the result won't be very good, but at least I'll be consistently getting things down. Like my brother, I want to be a writer someday (I'd like to write a play someday.), also, I want to be a songwriter, but lately the inspiration doesn't seem to be there. But maybe I just need to practice. Or maybe it's not what I'm meant to do. Or maybe that's being pessimistic. Sometimes I can't tell.

I'm in the theatre right now, doing mic checks for Two Gentlemen of Verona. I keep on missing my turn to go up. Everyone is a little grumpy or a little down. I'm trying to muster up some sunshine. That's not easy.

dream of the day: to be inspiring

I'm in a funny mood, though a familiar one. I'm craving contact. Though I desperately need rest, and though there are many useful things I could be doing right now, all I want to do is feel like I'm communicating. But I'm too tired/shy to see out a real conversation. So instead, I Facebook/blog/internet stalk.

I'm kind of a viking (and not in a cool way). I'm sweeping into your life and pillaging all that I need without giving anything back. I'm trying to make you be my friend, without being yours. I'm taking all that entertainment and honesty from blogs and Facebook, and then hiding myself away.

Anyway, that's why I'm blogging right now. To "give back" to the internet community I take advantage of so much, and to feel connected to this unidentified group of readers. I realize that maybe, I'm just adding to the noise, but maybe, I'm starting a conversation with a friend.

One of the reasons I suddenly got convicted for being reclusive (and not in the cool I'm-taking-time-for-myself way, but in the I-don't-feel-like-other-people-are-worth-my-effort-right-now way), is because I came across this shamefully inspiring website. You may have heard of http://songstowearpantsto.com, right? Well, this guy (his name is Andrew and he's very nice) has this other website called http://andrewismusic.com, and on his FAQ and bio there, my feelings of awe and jealousy seemed to be transferred into feelings of potential aptitude.

So, right now, I feel like I should be creating, but all I can do is blog. My guitar is so far across the room, and writing songs is hard. It's so much easier to take from this world.

i love blogs

Happy Good Friday, everyone! This Good Friday, I'm trying to refresh my memory on who I am. But, instead, I find myself reading peoples' blogs, and I just want to say to all you bloggers - Thank you for blogging. Thank you for being so honest on this great public forum. They kind of remind me of what it's like to be human sometimes - whether you're a knitter in Holland, or a bride in North Carolina, or a(n) university kid figuring out his artistic self-expression, or a new mother in Montreal, I find so much of myself reflected in your words - and, yet, I also find a very humbling feeling of how limited my own experience is.

Have a happy Easter, my friends! May we all realize the fullness of life (and then blog about it)!

2008: YNBS

Happy New Years, my friends! In nine hours, we'll all welcome 2008 with singing, probably drinking, and friends. And to prepare, I have fallen into my usual year-end introspect.* Remember 2007: Year Without Fear? Well, a couple weeks ago, I was determined to find another year-long experiment, since 2007:YWF was so fruitful, and also, I feel like I've been falling asleep at the wheel - you know what I mean? I want to be conscious of the choices I make, and not pull into my driveway wondering where the last hour of my life went.

So, this year, I declare 2008: Year of Not Being Shy. It's not very catchy, I realize, but everything else I thought of would sacrifice meaning or sounded so lame I wanted to throw up. 2008:YNBS is about not hiding from people. I'm really shy, friends! I'm so worried about what people, especially new people think of me, that I forget to love them or I forget to pursue who I want to be. It takes me a long time to become friends with people because I'm always terrified of becoming overbearing or annoying. And this is just a trivial example, but on Facebook, I won't add people as friends - I'll only accept Friend Requests.

Also, I want to be a performer, but I am so ashamed to admit it. It's one of those tensions I was talking about. How can I want everyone to look at me and want everyone to not look at me at the same time? How can I want to be heard, but mumble when people are listening? Why would I publish a blog, and cringe whenever someone found out? Why would I post songs on MySpace, but never mention it to anyone? Well, obviously I'm afraid. But enough of that.

This year, I'm going to overcompensate. This afternoon, I changed my Facebook profile to say more about myself, honestly, I did it with chattering teeth.† There are so many things on that profile that I didn't put in because I was uber conscious of the image I was portraying. Of course, I'd like to pretend that I was creating a mystique, but what good is mystique if no one can get through?

Here's to the New Year! I hope this works out. I'll just be happy if I come out of this year with better diction.


*Not to be confused with my beginning-of-the-year introspect or summer introspect or any-other-time introspect.

† Most of the people I really expect never say anything about themselves on the internet, which I think is cool and wise. However, I don't think they have my crippling fear of social vulnerability. As a general disclaimer, I'd like to say that the examples I'm giving don't necessarily indicate my brand of reclusion. In fact, my brand of reclusion has been specially crafted to imitate confidence!

talking in circles

I had a lovely lunch with lovely Sue today. Cheap sushi and good conversation. We were talking about some big things, and the good thing about Sue is that she understands the complexities of the questions I relate to her. We are both lapsed engineers*, which seems to imply that we enjoy things that are not logical, but also get frustrated by those same things because they are not logical.

For example:

Question: What is good art?
Answer: Good art is redemptive and honest.

Question: How does one make good art?
Answer: Be honest.
But I can be as honest as I want - that still may not result in a good song, for instance.
And even I work hard and put my heart into it, it may not yield anything.

It seems to me that all the questions worth asking are hard to answer, which makes sense I guess - questions go away with answers. I just find myself talking in circles, missing the point a lot, especially here, in this blog. I mean, I know it's entertaining to watch that hamster in the wheel, but for how long?

But what if you relate to that hamster? Then, it's more than entertainment, it's searching. Maybe I'll write a song about it.

This entry didn't really have a point, but I will leave it that way, because it seems appropriate.



*Sue's term.

what's a little stalking between friends?

Once, when I was talking about the new, cool Facebook, my grumpy friend replied, "I resent the use of the word 'community' in this context." At the time I said, "Whatever, dude," but as I spend hours and hours on the computer looking at pictures of people I wouldn't even say hello to, I'm beginning to get a bit wary.

I mean, this isn't a new topic. MySpace has been around forever, along with Blogger and Flickr and Friendster, etc, etc, and maybe Facebook isn't as new and wonderful as we think. And, sure, Facebook is a great way to share pictures, exchange little notes. I guess I'm just a little afraid of what this might do to us.

According to Facebook, I have 293 friends. What?! I have 293 friends, yet, I spend almost every evening on the internet? Evidently, we have changed the meaning of "friend." A friend isn't someone you care about and hang out with - a friend is now someone you're willing to show your pictures to.

Are we slowly redefining our social practices based on a website? My homepage will tell me how your relationship status changed when I'm hardly willing to email you.

I know why we do it. We're all constantly waiting for someone to notice us, and now, we get to advertise. We all want to feel connected to people, and we can do that by looking at all the pictures they're in. But when does it start becoming a replacement for true friendships and real community?

Maybe I'm just lonely.*

*Just joking. Don't feel sorry for me.

bedtime brain-dead

This morning I thought of a really cool thing to write on my blog. "Yeah!" I said to myself, "That's hilarious, insightful, and interesting. You should really write that down."

Of course, I didn't and I am bedtime brain-dead. I'm trying to say something here, but I have run out of things to say - in school, we're always communicating something, anything: just emptying our hearts hoping we get something back. And now, when I want to just say a few words to the people who care to read my blog*, I'm lacking. I have nothing to say besides witty comebacks and inside jokes, which is awesome for ear training class, but less-than-awesome when you want to be a current culture relevant artist, or even just an interesting blogger.



*Someone found my blog, and I expressed my great shame at having one. I mean, how lame is it to make yourself vulnerable in a public forum? Maybe not so lame.
"This is my song for the asking." -Paul Simon

word of the day: vitriolic

I've recently been accused of being vitriolic. I don't know what that was, so I, first, got very offended then figured out what it meant. He said this in reference to my Strong Sad-type self-deprecating, isn't-it-sad-that-I-don't-have-a-boyfriend kinds of jokes, and he gave me a definition, saying it was a synonym for acidic, but I'm unsure I believe him.

Here's what m-w.com says.

Main Entry: vit·ri·ol
Pronunciation: 'vi-trE-&l
Function: noun
Etymology: Middle English, from Anglo-French vitriole, from Medieval Latin vitriolum, alteration of Late Latin vitreolum, neuter of vitreolus glassy, from Latin vitreus vitreous
1 a : a sulfate of any of various metals (as copper, iron, or zinc); especially : a glassy hydrate of such a sulfate b : OIL OF VITRIOL
2 : something felt to resemble vitriol especially in caustic quality; especially : virulence of feeling or of speech
- vit·ri·ol·ic /"vi-trE-'ä-lik/ adjective

Okay, so I still don't know what it meant. Assuming that I take the second definition, what does virulence mean?

Main Entry: vir·u·lence
Pronunciation: 'vir-&-l&n(t)s, 'vir-y&-
Function: noun
: the quality or state of being virulent : as a : extreme bitterness or malignity of temper : RANCOR b : MALIGNANCY, VENOMOUSNESS virulence of a disease> c : the relative capacity of a pathogen to overcome body defenses

So let's take 'a' as the relevant entry.

*gasp*! How dare he call me vitriolic! I'm not bitter. Am I? 50 angst-y blogs later, I'm afraid that maybe I'll have to concede. This sucks. I don't want to be bitter.

PLUS, the other day, someone else told me that I worry too much about what people think about me, and it bothered me for days that he thought that about me. Funny, eh? I'm laughing (finally).

So obviously, these are things that I have to change. Way to start the year. So here are the New Year's resolutions*:

1. Not care what people think. Hopefully, this will make people like me more.
2. Stop lying. Start by losing weight so that I'll be the weight I claim to be. After that, I can continue to lie, because skinny people can do whatever they want. (Just joking. Actually, this whole resolution is a joke. I thought it was funny.)
3. I need to find joy, and I think this will come with a better spiritual life. You know, I was joking with all the vitriolic stuff that I say, and I do believe that if I'm feeling it, I should talk about it, and why not in joke form? ... BUT it would be nice if I didn't have this poison (vitriol, if you will) in me at all.**

No name for this year, yet. Year of Joy? Year without Vitriol? Not as catchy, I know. We'll see how it goes.


*I've heard many people say that they "don't believe in New Year's resolutions". Well, fine. Maybe the idea of changing yourself because of the date is contrived, but at least it's part of one's constant effort to self-improvement. The gyms may be crowded now, but at least people are going, and maybe some of them will keep on going in February. Let's not mock their efforts, jerks.

** Even if it makes you sing You Oughta Know really well.

changed, not necessarily improved

Hey, dudes! I've changed a bunch of stuff. I also found some new blog entries that I never published for one reason or another.

I didn't publish this one because I got in a car accident before I finished it.

This one, I didn't publish because I was frustrated with the HTML, and I was already frustrated when I was writing it. But I fixed it.

happy anniversary!

Guess what, y'all! I have had this blog for over a year now! My first entry claimed that I was going to jump off the blog bridge, and I've been doing so (however, intermittently and despressingly) for a whole year!

I talk about blogging all the time on my blog, but here's another great opportunity. Once, I secretly told someone that I really liked my blog. I like the stuff I write, even if it's a hit heavy-handed and wallow-y. Another time, I even felt embarrassed by an entry, and I started apologizing profusely for its contents. But that person just said "chill out" and reminded me that the whole point of this thing is to make myself feel better.

You know, in acting class, we try to get in these moments, and to try and feel emotions. I wonder if that's being self-indulgent: to spark these feelings in front of an audience, hoping that they'll relate to you and like you. I think this blog's a lot like that. I mean, I want to vent, but I also want an audience.

I have Hardeep back! He looks as good as new, but smells like paint. It's really good to just sit in traffic and think. It's just Esther and Hardeep time. I've been in kind of a weird mood, and I think it has to do with Garden State. I watched it the other night. It's honest and lovely, and hits that point of wanting more than numbness. But it also made me really sad. Natalie Portman's character's tendency to laugh at what she can and cry at everything else really struck me. I don't want to be so bold as to say that I'm like her, because she's so cool, but I relate to her a lot, and that made the story so bittersweet.

Formation is process, people. One year later, I'm still at it. Who am I? God only knows.

what do you do when you can't sleep?

You change your blog slightly! Yay! New links on the right. If I missed you, let me know.

wanting to be heard, not wanting to speak

Bea, Bea, wonderful Bea sent me an email yesterday. As my heart fluttered in joy, I was a little worried because the beginning was quite serious.

"uhm. Esther. this is something I actually have been meaning to ask you for some time..."

Pretty intense, right? Does she need a kidney? Does she want me to send her Canadian drugs? Is she going to ask me out?!?

Turns out, Bea, in her masterfully tactful way, was asking me if she could link my blog on hers. For some reason* she thought that I might be uncomfortable with it. To be honest, I'm not sure if I am or not. On one hand I want people to know me, to see what I'm thinking. On the other hand, I don't want to people to read it and judge me - think I'm too naive or trying too hard or being too religious.

I guess it's like what Julia was talking about: vulnerability. I posted on my church message board that "Blogging [was] like running around naked. It might be inappropriate, but, you know, some people just gotta." I have a feeling that was totally inappropriate, and I thought I heard crickets laugh in Christian cyberspace. I've mentioned this before: I want to be heard, but I don't want to say anything.

I want people to read this. I want people to know who I am. I'm just totally afraid of being so tacky with neediness. Many of you reading this are my friends to whom I've casually mentioned the existence of this blog. Some of you are my friends who I don't know read this, and found this by some other secret avenue. And maybe some of you are strangers. Well, welcome, whoever you are. I hope you see something honest here.



*That reason being the contents of many entries on my blog.

i think being pathetic is funny...

... unfortunately, most people think that being pathetic is just pathetic. (I find this funny.) I compare this blog to this one, but for the most part, I think that blog is funny because people know it's such an exaggeration, where as mine is actually extremely sad. It's not, my friends. Laugh with me, because when I step back, I see that there's something in me making extremely exaggerated emotions, giving me a comic perspective.

I have this annoying habit of asking people what their dreams are. I kind of realized at that point that if I were to ask myself to same question, I wouldn't know the answer. I have these "dreams of the day", which kind of reflects the reality of my dreams - I want everything. I want to be a singer, actor, comedian, and at the same time, I don't want to be asking for too much.

My brother, who I've decided is going to be a man someday, spoke some huge truth into my life -- God doesn't speak through doubts. When God speaks, it's not that smarmy voice in the back of your head telling you that you're not good enough. His voice usually says, "I have something bigger." But, of course, you first need to believe that God talks, and that you can hear Him.

So what's the punchline? How about an analogy taken too far?:
I'm doing my taxes, which I think is a good thing, because I have no concept of the money I have or spend. For spending, I've stuck to my dad's philosophy of cheapness, and then I assumed I'd be okay. Doing taxes will hopefully help me take stock of my net worth.

Maybe, now, at the end of this fiscal period (of life!), it is time to take stock of my net worth. Who am I? What's so great about me besides the many words my name goes into? Don't worry, reader. This is not meant to fish for compliments, but perhaps to encourage a personal introspection. What makes you/me so special?* Once we figure that out, we can figure out what it is we deserve - our tax return of life, if you will.

Man! I am such a philosopher!




*This question must be asked in a non-rhetorical way to be effective.

i'm an HTML genius

I've made a special "Cool Points" section in my sidebar so we can keep track of who is awesomer.

It took me all morning.

Wow. I'm a nerd.
...I'll give my self negative points.

"your blog's depressing"

Today, I shall attempt to write a non-depressing entry, but I don't know whether I'll be able to pull it off. I am generally a pretty uppity person, and I've had a good week, but I'm getting into a brooding pensive mood.

My dear friend Sarah told me yesterday that my blog's depressing, and I totally agree with her. I feel sometimes like I'm trying so hard to look so deep and introspective that I'm missing out on revealing on redemptive truths. Or maybe I'm just trying too hard (and failing too much :D*).

In my life, there have been three major events this week:
1. V and K-lub came in.
2. American Thanksgiving.
3. Harry Potter with Soozi and Sarah.
See what I mean by a good week? Action-packed with wonderful people. I've picked out a theme: Seeing people I haven't seen for a long time.

I've often likened my life to a streetcar (because I like streetcars). People get on and off and you get to ride with people for so long.** I've been so blessed to have had so many people on the "e-car", but I just feel like it sucks hard that so many people have to get off. And then it sucks even more because even though it is relatively easy to still talk to them, I don't.

My seester, Gloria, said something to me once that one of the problems of today's society is that we have so many means of communicating with each other (i.e. cell phone, text messaging, email, etc.) that we really believe we're closer to each other, and that we understand each other more. But it's a lie. We're making ourselves feel "connected" when we're probably just as lonely as any other generation, if not more. We don't really see people, we see Contacts and MSN Buddys, Ignore and Block buttons.

That's why this week was good. Seeing people rather than physics problem sets is awesome. I missed these people so much. Things can't ever be the same, but that's supposed to be a good thing. I'll always miss sitting in the common room in first year talking, chilling in my PJs with my rez family. I'll always miss sitting in the HOW at high school talking about nothing and dressing up in weird costumes. Will I miss this time, right now? I guess we'll see in time. "No day but today," as the cast of Rent would say.

The dream of the day is to be a professional figure skater. I just have to learn how to skate and age backwards.







*:D indicates that the preceding comment should be taken light-heartedly.
** Note: I've also often said that life can be really likened to anything, you just have to be creative. Try the following exercise:
1. Fill in the blank.
Life is like _____________________.
2. Then you explain why life is like it, and it usually, but certainly not always, has to do with life's variability. So you often you can fill in the following blanks.
Sometimes it's _____________ and sometimes it's ________________.
I'll call it MadLib philosophy.
Actually it's interesting. When I was in grade nine, I was convinced that most of life was set up to be a great metaphor for bigger things (i.e. "life"). It was nice to believe that meaningless things weren't meaningless. I should revert back. This footnote is long.

psst... I read your blog

I'm weird. Not in that cool way that makes people like you, but in that way that's hard to understand. Sometimes I go up to people and say, "psst... I read your blog," and I feel guilty! Like, I know that it's published on the internet and all that stuff, but I still feel guilty. What if they didn't want me to read it? I just kind of stumbled upon it, but what if they made it only for certain people to read, i.e., people they like, and I'm not one of them.

Facts about me:
#1: I am easily guilted.
#2: I always think that people don't like me.

So... Are you okay with me reading your blog? Should it even matter to me?
Let me tell you a secret: I only bookmark the blogs of people who've sent me their link. But in reality, I read a lot more of them regularily.

Usually when I tell people about my invasion of their internet space, they're always like, "Oh... Okay. Well, I did put it on the internet." Then I feel awkward (which isn't hard for me to do), because I feel like I just told them I can see them change through my window.

One time, my friend told me that blogging was exhibitionist. I totally agree. But maybe we don't see enough of each other. We're so fenced off from each other, that maybe emotional streaking is something that we should all have to do.

Still... Is it okay to watch?

jumping off the blog bridge

I have a journal. It has coloured pages and I use this special pen. Only I read it, and I somehow feel that if I let anyone see it, they'll know how lame I am. I'm not saying you should read my journal (but it's way interesting), but I've been reading a million blogs lately, and I keep on seeing this interesting (non-lame) side of people.

I want an interesting side. :(

I figure formation is a good name for this blog. I want to figure out stuff and grow, and I want to catalogue it. It's a process. So if I'm as much of an idiotic child as I believe I am (which I doubt because I have really low self-esteem), well, here's hoping that will eventually change, and I'll be able to watch it happen... online... because that's the only way I see anything*.




*"anything" refers to Daily Show clips.