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So I have this dream, this fantasy - to be a musical theatre performer, an actor, even. I hope to attend theatre school. After a really good audition, I began, slowly to let people know of my plans. Before this, I had too many conversations like this:
"So what are you next year?"
"I don't know."
"No grad school?"
"No!"
"I guess you're getting a job."
"Yeah, I guess I should look then."
So, to a few groups of people, I've been telling them of my aspirations. It's a little scary. You never really know what people are thinking. Sometimes it's "Oh! That's really cool! You're a cool person!" or it's "Maybe I can do that too!". I love those responses. But sometimes I feel the response is more like, "Do you know what the hell you're getting into?" Those are hard to deal with - I'm unsure whether it's because I haven't really thought about this question, or I think about it too much.
I feel like this dynamic duo: Mindy and Buttons. You know the story (if not, educate yourself). I kinda feel like Mindy - too young to understand danger. But the Thing is Mindy is always safe! Buttons always takes care of her. She never gets hurt, because while she's naively climbing skyscrapers, Buttons has got her back. This is how I want to feel - safe even in naivety. Often we're scared because we don't know enough, but today I want to be happy that I don't know anything, except that some cosmic dog has got my back.
Bea, Bea, wonderful Bea sent me an email yesterday. As my heart fluttered in joy, I was a little worried because the beginning was quite serious."uhm. Esther. this is something I actually have been meaning to ask you for some time..."
Pretty intense, right? Does she need a kidney? Does she want me to send her Canadian drugs? Is she going to ask me out?!?
Turns out, Bea, in her masterfully tactful way, was asking me if she could link my blog on hers. For some reason* she thought that I might be uncomfortable with it. To be honest, I'm not sure if I am or not. On one hand I want people to know me, to see what I'm thinking. On the other hand, I don't want to people to read it and judge me - think I'm too naive or trying too hard or being too religious.
I guess it's like what Julia was talking about: vulnerability. I posted on my church message board that "Blogging [was] like running around naked. It might be inappropriate, but, you know, some people just gotta." I have a feeling that was totally inappropriate, and I thought I heard crickets laugh in Christian cyberspace. I've mentioned this before: I want to be heard, but I don't want to say anything.
I want people to read this. I want people to know who I am. I'm just totally afraid of being so tacky with neediness. Many of you reading this are my friends to whom I've casually mentioned the existence of this blog. Some of you are my friends who I don't know read this, and found this by some other secret avenue. And maybe some of you are strangers. Well, welcome, whoever you are. I hope you see something honest here.
*That reason being the contents of many entries on my blog.
I think I have a phobia for dogs. I want to be like the people I know who like dogs - you know, they're always bright and energetic - and I really try. I approach stranger's dogs and pet my friend's dogs, but every once in a while, there's this moment when I freak out and think the dog is going to get angry and bite me and there won't be anything I can do because kicking a dog is wrong.I think this is, generally, like my attitude towards boys. I will happily name off my many husbands, I can often be found claiming that I'm 'in love' with... well, anyone, but as soon as there's any hint of returned interest, I freak out. I think I may have an irrational fear of relationships. I mean, don't get me wrong - I don't want to be alone. Like the dog phobia, I do want dates and flings and romance, the whole cake, but I'm also afraid.It's pretty weird. I often find myself going so far as to make sure that the guys I liked thought the opposite. It's understandable to want to ensure that guy friends you definitely don't like don't get the wrong message, but with the rest? I'm messed up.As I've declared 2006 The Year Without Fear, I have decided to not be afraid of being the object of anyone's interest - kind of like the woman in this article, but to a smaller extent. And do you know what? Maybe it was totally egotistical to think that I was in danger of being liked. So I really had nothing to be afraid of in the first place! Score! ... wait...
I know. This is totally cliche, but this is inspired by an actual dream (i.e. the kind you get when you're sleeping). It's a recurring idea in my dreams, where the only thing that stops you from flying is your doubts. Otherwise, you let your second heart flutter up into your neck and carry you up. I'm not sure what your second heart is, but that's what my dream told me.
I'm going to fly someday.
... unfortunately, most people think that being pathetic is just pathetic. (I find this funny.) I compare this blog to this one, but for the most part, I think that blog is funny because people know it's such an exaggeration, where as mine is actually extremely sad. It's not, my friends. Laugh with me, because when I step back, I see that there's something in me making extremely exaggerated emotions, giving me a comic perspective.
I have this annoying habit of asking people what their dreams are. I kind of realized at that point that if I were to ask myself to same question, I wouldn't know the answer. I have these "dreams of the day", which kind of reflects the reality of my dreams - I want everything. I want to be a singer, actor, comedian, and at the same time, I don't want to be asking for too much.
My brother, who I've decided is going to be a man someday, spoke some huge truth into my life -- God doesn't speak through doubts. When God speaks, it's not that smarmy voice in the back of your head telling you that you're not good enough. His voice usually says, "I have something bigger." But, of course, you first need to believe that God talks, and that you can hear Him.
So what's the punchline? How about an analogy taken too far?:
I'm doing my taxes, which I think is a good thing, because I have no concept of the money I have or spend. For spending, I've stuck to my dad's philosophy of cheapness, and then I assumed I'd be okay. Doing taxes will hopefully help me take stock of my net worth.
Maybe, now, at the end of this fiscal period (of life!), it is time to take stock of my net worth. Who am I? What's so great about me besides the many words my name goes into? Don't worry, reader. This is not meant to fish for compliments, but perhaps to encourage a personal introspection. What makes you/me so special?* Once we figure that out, we can figure out what it is we deserve - our tax return of life, if you will.
Man! I am such a philosopher!
*This question must be asked in a non-rhetorical way to be effective.
I made a big decision yesterday. I turned down a summer job that I would enjoy and decided to go visit Laura in Edinburgh for a few weeks.I'm not very good at making decisions. They stress me out mad. I get upset, I get frantic, and then the trendy store clerks have to ask me to stop crying - it's very ugly. But I did it, with the maximum amount of drama possible. No one was in my apartment but me so I called everyone I knew for opinions. One phone card and two Spring Rolls dishes later, here I am.This is going to be a year of decisions for me, so needless to say, this will be a difficult year. I feel like this was the first in a number of important ones, and now that I'm finished reveling in my forward, confident moment, I'm back to realizing that there is so much more that I have to think about. I still don't know what I'll be doing in September. I have to plan my trip, I have to prepare for my audition, start my thesis, start my non-linear research project, study for computer hardware midterm, memorize lines. Here's praying for a productive reading week.
My lovely cousin, Donna, just emailed me. Her mother of which she speaks does some missionary work in China. My mom once told me that the most poignant difference between the kids and University students she interacts with in China and the kids/people here in North America is that the Chinese/Korean kids don’t have that, “what I’m going to be when I grow up” dream. It’s a foreign concept to them while for us we take it for granted.
I have to admit something: I've been taking it for granted. The last week I've been handing in applications, and I've been taking that opportunity to be fearful and insecure. I'm so scared that I'm not good enough, that I'm being completely ridiculous. But even more than those things, I'm afraid that I'm putting so much of my pride on the line - so much pride in this dream - and I may be wrong. I might have thought that this is my passion, but really, I was just a stupid young girl with nothing better to do.
But maybe I'm missing the point. (In fact, I'm sure I must be.)
When I was being afraid of all this career frivolity, I forgotten that this is the blessing. What the hell do we know? Yet, we're put behind the wheel of this Porshe* called life with a little less than a driver's permit. It's fine to be terrified, but I keep on forgetting that I'm in a Porshe*!
Oh, God, I'm terrified.
*or any good car. I don't know very many.
I've been trying to blog something for about a day now. The two previous times, I started writing something, but then stopped because it seemed too depressing or too fake.
I've been on a bit of an emotional rollercoaster for the last couple days and don't dismiss it to hormones. While I realize that hormones have to be accounted for, sometimes I feel like my completely legitimate reasons for being upset are swept under the rug, because I'm a young girl. Emphasized? Maybe, but definitely not worth dismissing.
Plus, saying that would probably just upset me even more, so don't even dare. ;)
Anyway, in this case, it has to do with a number of insignificant events that are tearing my life down. It's stupid to be upset about not getting what you want, or thinking you won't get what you want - I realize that. It's not stopping the feeling though.
When I was a kid, I would sulk about and cross my arms when something didn't go my way. Today, I feel a lot like that little girl. Except today, my older sisters aren't here to call me a suck to point out my silliness. I can do that for myself.
God, I wish I could be more mature, and just move on knowing about that bigger picture everyone always talks about.
I feel like this dynamic duo: Mindy and Buttons. You know the story (if not, educate yourself). I kinda feel like Mindy - too young to understand danger. But the Thing is Mindy is always safe! Buttons always takes care of her. She never gets hurt, because while she's naively climbing skyscrapers, Buttons has got her back. This is how I want to feel - safe even in naivety. Often we're scared because we don't know enough, but today I want to be happy that I don't know anything, except that some cosmic dog has got my back.
