dream of the day: community

I had this week off. It was awesome. I've been talking to a lot of different friends and family, and the theme of conversation this week seems to be (sorry, I wish I was more original) boys. I'm sure that many of you have already examined and discussed the ins and outs of romantic relationships, so I won't go there. What I will say is this: The more I interact with my friends and bemoan my current singleness, the less it bothers me. For me, I think that what I crave about having a boyfriend is having an intimate community - one where it is acceptable and expected to share your life.

I mean, of course, it's more than that. Of course, there's something special and wonderful about romance. But many of us don't speak to our neighbours, so our friends are physically so far from us. Many of us only have a few people, if any, that they can share their lives with. And even then we tend to hole up with those people, mistaking exclusivity for closeness.

Another interesting and unrelated thought I had about community: Do you notice that much of fair trade and organic stuff is marketed to an urban market? People talk about feeling so alone in a big city, but in Toronto, I felt there was some sort of community: a big group of people sharing the same restaurants and parks. And with that kind of superficial understanding of community, maybe urbanites are more capable of understanding global community.

Or maybe I'm wrong. I'm a small person with a small world.

good with stories

Yesterday I had a converstaion that went something like this:

"I'm not really good with names."
"Yeah, me neither. I'm really good with faces. Are you like
that?"
"Well... no."
"So you're not good with names or faces? So how do you remember people?"
"I good at remembering stories."

So generally, I think this makes me a seem like an inconsiderate person, and obviously if someone sits down to tell a story, anyone would probably remember it. But as I slowly learn to act and furthermore, as I slowly learn to be human, it seems like stories are the most important things. That is when a face becomes interesting and a name becomes powerful.

In plays, characters can be played by any actor, but the background, the reasons, the needs (i.e. the story) are what's important and interesting. Today, I'm going to be fleshing out 6 different characters. Not real people, but somehow, it still seems like their stories, however outlandish, deserve to be told. Everything must be linked to truth. That is my philosophy for the moment.

worried and upset about many things

So, I'm a worrier. I worry about school: whether I can do school, whether I deserve to be there, whether I'm actually getting better, whether I'm working hard enough, etc.

I worry about life after school: What am I going to do once it's over? What if I run out of ideas and can't be an artist? What if I run out of money? What if I decide I want to be an engineer and no one wants to hire me?

I worry about myself: Am I where I'm supposed to be? Am I being true to myself? Am I overlooking a major character flaw that will eventually lead to my demise?

"...but only one thing is needed."*

"The only thing that counts is faith expressing itself through love."**

I'm not really sure of the true implications of this. What? Am I supposed to just drop everything?




maybe.



*Luke 10:42
**Galatians 5:6

you mean, i can do a combination, too? okay, this'll take a second

You know, when you're in line to choose an ice cream flavour, and then you suddenly find out that you can choose more than one? This both inspires me and confuses me. With all these possibilities, what am I supposed to do with my life?

in between panic and possibility

Does anyone read this? Maybe I'll say something really offensive and controversial to find out. Or just misspell. That seems to get enough of my friends riled up.

So the adventure of music theatre school continues. This semester we take a clown class.* Clown is a little different than most people know. It's not necessarily creepy, invasive people in lots of make-up at circuses. As far as I can tell, it's a mostly comedic form of theatre that, for me, is very different because, in class, we're supposed to keep eye contact with the audience all the time. That seems to be the source of inspiration. So, in class, we go up in front of everyone, and Mimi Mekler will either just let us stand there until we find something to do, or ask us to do impossible things (like jump down without jumping up) or ask us questions (that we usually have to answer non-verbally) or whatever. In my turn, for some reason, I went up and I started to cry.

So I present these questions to the jury:
(1) Is this okay?
(2) Is this entertaining?

Concerning (1), I'm getting used to crying. I guess with all art, it's important to be honest. And when you yourself is the art, one must be prepared to let real things happen - whether that's laughing, getting angry, crying, or maybe even nothing at all. And since, this is all new to me, I suppose I was unprepared for the emotional onslaught (maybe?). Maybe that reasoning is flawed. Either way, I have been, just recently, becoming more okay with crying. By avoiding being upset about being upset, I am removing a secondary level of being upset. Hurray!

So I guess the question is why did I cry in the first place? Now, without delving too far, psychologically, I was just scared of everyone. When Mimi first started the class, she said that in clown you want to always be between panic and possibility. I kind of like that. I think if I expand this to life, that is true too. I mean, where would I be if I wasn't desperately searching for something else to do when I graduated from U of T? Maybe panic isn't the greatest thing, but if it can inspire you, if it can stop you from thinking and trying, maybe it's okay.

Concerning (2), I suppose I cannot really answer that, but I will publish my suspicions. I doubt that the crying itself was entertaining, just as pure panic is not entertaining. The whatever follows and the whatever leading up seems to be the stuff.

But then again, what do I know?

:)





*So, yes, I am in college and taking clown.