Tuesday, June 27, 2006

bye, bye, blackbird

I just wrote this beautiful poetic good bye, and Blogger just deleted it. It's like a metaphor for my real good byes - always well planned, rarely well executed. Just as well. I didn't really say anything more than my usual "Why am I so messed up?" rant. Today, I concentrated on my own personal paradox of being shy and extroverted at the same time.

I think that when I get sad about things like this, it's because I miss the group and the feelings of belonging and comraderie. A group is very hard to reproduce. I like who I am in a group too - I'm not awkward, I'm funny, I'm lighthearted. In smaller groups, I feel like I can be the exact opposite.

I want people to like me but, unfortunately, it's one of those things that trying just makes worse. So when I leave a group, I guess I look back and see how successful I was. So there is a double standard - if I did badly, damn; if I did well, I'm now saying good bye (damn).

I forget what I said in the entry that was deleted. I bet you it was way better than this one.

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

"nice to meet you"

There's something about meeting a group of new people that I either love or hate.

This week I'm doing training at my new job at science camp. The people they hire usually have these big personalities that children will like. However, there's always this newness that's a bit uncomfortable. In a way, it's fun because you reach out and end up talking to neat people who you get along with. But in another way, it sucks becuase everyone, including myself, is making snap judgements and trying to get a picture in their head that they can connect you with.

I like meeting new people. It's like a game. You don't know who they are, and they don't know you either, and you're just trying to find something that grabs. But sometimes, it's just seems like too much bullshit. It's just too hard and silences are too long and nothing is meaningful. I suppose it just depends on my mood... and how good-looking the other person is.

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

"You didn't recognize me, did you? Have I changed?"

I had joked, when referring to my forthcoming European trip, that I was going to find myself there, because that's where you go to find yourself. I had no real plans to find myself. I'm sure that no matter where I went, I would not be able to do that in three weeks. Still, I had vague notions of a Sabrina-like transformation when I came back.

So I haven't found myself, and I also haven't found a rich older man to buy me clothes. I'm the same person, no more enlightened or better dressed than I would be from many other experiences. Nevertheless, I had a wonderful time, and have slightly different perspective. Here are the things I think I've learned:

1. I don't like museums. That's not to say that I don't like art (which I am still undecided on), but it's like they try to cram in as much as possible in the smallest area. If I was to make a museum it would have 2-5 pieces of art per room, like a living room or something. It would have couches conveniently placed so you can fully appreciate it. No flash photography would be allowed (because it's annoying), and there would be a guestbook, where cool people can write their cool thoughts on the stories and emotions that happen in response to that art. Plus, you don't really get a feel for a city by going to a museum. They're the same no matter where you go.

2. High school friends are different from other friends. I feel like so much has happened in my life in the last four years being away at university. To be honest, my memories of high school are kinda cloudy and imperfect. I had forgotten that while I had changed, my friends from high school had changed too. I went on this trip with two friends who, honestly, I hadn't spent a lot of time with since high school. And it's strange - in high school, even more so than now, I didn't really know who I was, but my friends had some sort of idea. That Sort of Idea may not be exactly what it would be if they met me now but it's still very true in many ways. Weird, eh? Transversely, my ideas of my friends are outdated. They've had all these experiences that I had nothing to do with. I think this is the biggest thing I learned on my trip. It was really neat (and, admittedly, sometimes annoying) to meet my friends again, to learn more about who they are and who they've become. My friends are cool. Apparently, in high school, I must have been cool enough to make them.

3. The only problem about the view from the Eiffel Tower is that you can't see the Eiffel Tower. I have a feeling that this fact has a deeper meaning but I haven't figured it out yet.

4. Tourists make things tourist attractions. Sometimes it seemed arbritrary which monuments were popular, and just because someone had written in a guide book that it was cool, more and more people would flood to see it.

5. I should experience where I live. In Toronto, I never really went to a cafe just to feel the atmosphere or saw a play to understand the culture. I will do this more this summer (right before I move back to Stoney Creek).

6. Mind the gap.

I wish I had much more to say. I wish I had a novel or play in my head as a result of my travels but, instead, I have a longer-than-usual blog entry. I suppose that's enough for now.