bye, bye, blackbird

I just wrote this beautiful poetic good bye, and Blogger just deleted it. It's like a metaphor for my real good byes - always well planned, rarely well executed. Just as well. I didn't really say anything more than my usual "Why am I so messed up?" rant. Today, I concentrated on my own personal paradox of being shy and extroverted at the same time.

I think that when I get sad about things like this, it's because I miss the group and the feelings of belonging and comraderie. A group is very hard to reproduce. I like who I am in a group too - I'm not awkward, I'm funny, I'm lighthearted. In smaller groups, I feel like I can be the exact opposite.

I want people to like me but, unfortunately, it's one of those things that trying just makes worse. So when I leave a group, I guess I look back and see how successful I was. So there is a double standard - if I did badly, damn; if I did well, I'm now saying good bye (damn).

I forget what I said in the entry that was deleted. I bet you it was way better than this one.