Happy 2009!

Ah, yes. It's that time of year again - the end of it: the wonderful time of retrospect and blogging! This was the end of the year I arbitrarily named Year of Not Being Shy. So I don't know what I really did this year besides change my Facebook profile and go to Korea, which I don't know qualifies as "not being shy" but significant nonetheless.

Anyway, I don't feel so great about YNBS as I did about Year Without Fear. Year Without Fear was a year of great change, and while YNBS did have some lovely moments, it wasn't as slap-in-your-face changing. To be honest, I don't know if I committed to the whole "not being shy" as much as I should have - I don't know if I was totally sold that my being shy was a bad thing. Shouldn't I exercise caution when meeting new people? (Especially cute boys?)

I've been avoiding thinking during this very long holiday. So much so that I've even taken up regular exercise. (I know! What is going on with me?) Is there something I'm avoiding? Is there something that I'm trying not to look at too hard? Or am I finally getting over my over-analytical emo phase?

2009 is a big year. Graduation, looking for work, making work, moving (where to? maybe Toronto? maybe somewhere else?). I'm really really really scared.

May this year be everything it could be, friends. May you become more of who you were meant to be. Happy 2009!

big e(s)the(r/l)

I used to read Archie comics all the time, until I realized how repetitive and politically incorrect they were, but still, I remember always going to the store, sitting on a milk crate by the magazines and reading Archie comics.

One way I think that has affected me is my intrinsic attitudes towards male-female interactions. Now, I realize quite vividly that, even though Betty never gets the guy, she is obviously the better of the two, but my deep-seated issues lie with that sad, other girl, Ethel.

At my young age, I was able to see the injustice of Archie always going for Betty, especially when Betty and Veronica looked exactly the same, except for the hair, but at that point, it never occurred to me to see how coarsely they were portraying poor Ethel. Now, whenever I think of approaching a guy, I have this fear of being like Ethel - running at him, with buck-teeth and hearts around my head.

You know, there aren't a lot of female names that start with 'E'. I know this is kind of out there, but that very fact draws me a little too close to her. Ethel was the only girl who ever approached the guy in those comics (except for maybe Betty, but that never ended well for her either), she's the only non-hottie, and guys cringed when she came around, fearing that she might fall in love with them.

But, you know, at least Ethel was happy. She never spent too much time feeling sorry for herself. I don't know. It's just too easy to cop out.

thank you, friends

disappointment intimacy and monsters

So, just as a follow-up to the post earlier today, what happened is I waited for another 2 hours, and then opened the email to much disappointment. Now, that disappointment is gone now, after I have gained my right mind, but at that instant, even with the thankful preparation, I was devastated... well, maybe, I was just disappointed but then we had this feedback loop of being upset with myself for being disappointed, and then it just got out of control.

If I want to work in this industry, I realize that disappointment is something I will have to become intimate with. Disappointment may have to become my boyfriend. But as reasonable as I can be on paper, this monster of emotion comes welling up inside of me saying things like, "You're not good enough to do this!" and "No one believes in you!" or even worse, "(S)He got a great part and you didn't?!?!" And the strange thing is that these things can contradict each other, but I'll believe all of them.

Anyway, with the help of Jesus Christ, the monster's away for now, hushed with promises of peace, songs of love, and hints of purpose. But I can't help but be disappointed (Ha! There it is again.) with how much I let that monster take control.

Oy vey. Is this life? Or is this just my life?

"give thanks in all situations": an exercise

So here I am, at 7:30 on a Sunday morning, awake after about 3.5 hours of sleep, checking my email for the casting list. See this week, my class did auditions for the next four shows, and this morning, the head of the program will email us a list of who is playing what. My father (who always wakes up early. Don't ask me when - no matter how early I wake up, he's always up before me.) asks me why I'm up, and I tell the lowdown. 

"I just really want a good part, but there are so many talented people in my class," I tell him. "I'm afraid that I'll get left in the dust here."

"If you think that way, you'll always be disappointed," says my father sagely. "Be thankful always..." Then he continues on and explains why, and I have to be honest, I think I trailed off.

So, still unable to sleep, and still watching my email closely, feeling hope, but feeling more like I'll be disappointed, I decided to close that window for now, and be thankful in a systematic, list way, because that's how I roll.

• I'm thankful for Sheridan. Remember what I miracle it was that I got in?! I'm amongst the most talented students in the country, and I really am honoured to be working with them and being friends with them. I often get stuck on being jealous of their talents, but that is a waste of energy. 
• I'm thankful for living at home. I know I often complain about the commute, but I love my parents and these last few years, they've been supporting me so much, and I've gotten to see what amazing people they are.
• I'm thankful that I get to do a pop critique! I get to play the Opera House in less than a week, with an amazing band. I've seen songs I've written come to life by an amazing band! I've gotten to write songs! At Sheridan, I gotten some great encouragement when it comes to songwriting, especially when it comes to a shy girl like me. 
• Because of my waking up early, I'm watching the sun slowly fill my living room, while I lay in a blanket by the fire. I may be neurotic, but it's opened me up to this moment right now.
• I'm thankful that the show closed last night but with so much energy and life. It's, of course, sad, saying bye to things like that, but it was really fun and even though I had a small part, it was a good part. I got a song, I got to play the guitar, and I got to express myself mostly through dance!

I suppose I could go on forever. I have forgotten to do this so often lately. I am so blessed, so I resolve to be thankful, no matter what the casting. I'm going to check my email again. Wish me luck,

lazy sunday

It's weird, the images that stay with us. Today the image I'm recalling is from The Associate, starring Whoopi Goldberg. There's this scene after everything has gone wrong for her, and so she's locked herself up in her apartment. When Dianne Wiest comes to convince her to fix her life, we see her apartment filled with completed jigsaw puzzles. 

Every Sunday, I don't do work. Now, the reason for this is that I think I work really hard the rest of the week, and according to the bible, I'm entitled to one day of rest... Right? Writing that down, I realize the bible doesn't really say that. It says that I should keep the Sabbath holy. It's not about my version of resting (which is watching seasons of tv shows) but it's about re-dedication, re-focussing. 

Sometimes I feel like I have all the answers, if I just sat and thought things out. But that's certainly not true: I think it's more like I can't stand having unanswered question in my head, so I make up incomplete answers.

an academic discussion on the surface.

One of my sister's professors at Mac studied marking essays, etc., to see what the "best way" to mark is. How should you mark so the students learn as much as possible? Apparently, the prof's conclusion was the best way to mark was "really high," meaning my sister got 110% on an essay that she felt luke-warm about.

So, right now in I'm in school for performance - something that is very subjective, unlike engineering, where the right answer is very clear. I wonder what the best way to mark would be. In engineering, I know it would be impractical to give easy tests so everyone gets a good mark, or to give marks where wrong answers are, but in performance, sometimes I feel like it would be nice to get consistent As. If it's so subjective, then why not tell me I'm awesome all the time, so I feel encouraged and work harder.

Of course, I understand the value of getting lower marks - I have to know where I can improve, and as much as everyone says that I have to measure my own journey, I have to know how I compare. Maybe you've guessed by this point that this academic discussion is just the movement on the surface. It's just tough to try to not consider yourself a B-level performer, when despite your best efforts, that is your mark.

No, no, NO. I cannot define myself that way. John always referred to himself as "the one whom Jesus loved." I must strive to do the same.

learning to be helpless

My brother has been saying that his blog-a-days have been producing insincerity, which, I suppose, is the risk of any artist trying to produce art. For me (for today at least) I feel like there are always things bubbling over the top that I never really get a chance to express. Sometimes it's "I'm really tired. I want to whine." but I guess that whole hope for honesty is what I'm aiming for.... well, maybe something more than that - interesting honesty.

So on Sunday I heard a sermon on love, and the speaker said that the best love comes when you feel completely helpless. I don't really understand that fully, but I'm finding myself in situations where I am at a loss at how to love my friends. I can try to do what I can for them, but sometimes, I just feel helpless. When I heard the sermon I thought that the receiver of love is supposed to feel helpless, not that the giver might need to be. I guess none of us are true givers of love, but channel-ers of God's love, and we need to get the f out of the way for that to happen.

i'm not a milkmaid, i just play on tv

Today we performed our show for the rest of our class, and I think the show is kinda good! Hurray!

imperfect polaroids

I came across a picture yesterday of myself when I first came to Sheridan. It's a horrible Polaroid of me at the audition. I looked at the picture and thought "Wow, have I changed!" Is that true? And if it is true, has that change been growth?

I feel like some parts of my growth have been figuring out what I'm not, which is painful and humbling. But sometimes, maybe I need to differentiate between what I'm not and what I'm not yet. I'm not an ingenue, and probably never will be, and I'm also not someone who has tact and grace coming out of every pore, but hopefully, someday, I will be.

Even though it's past midnight, I still consider it Saturday. Today we did our first dress rehearsal, and I remember why I love this so much. It reminded me of SkuleNite! I think no matter where I get to in life, I'll always remember SkuleNite, and even though it was a non-professional show done by engineers, it was really something extraordinary.

I'm tired. Inviting lots of people on Facebook is hard. I'm actually going through every person to see whether that person is 1. a good enough friend or 2. would like live music. I have too many non-friends on Facebook. It's a little weird.

e out.

it's friday!

You know what that means! It means I failed my blog-a-day task! I have a good excuse, though - Blogger was seemingly not working, giving me a chance to play my favourite computer game, Hearts! One thing I'll miss about PCs is the awesome games, like Hearts, Spider Solitaire, Chip's Challenge*, Minesweeper, etc. I realize I can probably download those things, but that would defeat the purpose. I can't go out of the way to get those things - They are meant to be incidental distractions. Those kinds of things eat my life away.

Today, to mix things up.... a picture!

This is my friend with a vocalise book in the G-basement, the place where I spent the last two years. I had a singing test this morning which I could not study for more because I'm at school until 10 and have to be back for 9. I'm not complaining though. I've already done that. Honestly, the fun people around me are making even the boring stuff fun.

*Chip's Challenge is more of a memory from Windows 95.

day 2

I almost gave up on this whole blog-a-day thing. Day 2 is an important day for me. I'm a big dreamer, and that gives way to many plans - too many plans to actually follow through on everything. So often I'll, in my mind, make these very well-intentioned plans that will inevitable lead me to be a better performer/musician/student/person, that never come to fruition.

I had a conversation with my friend Lucas* about how frustrated we were. I believe I have worked hard, but often I sometimes take a break from working hard because it doesn't seem to show anything. I know I'm supposed to trust the abstract concept of "the process" while I just optimistically trudge along, but sometimes that doesn't seem like enough.

*You wanna hear something embarrassing? Lucas and I have to kiss in the show, but I'm really bad at it, so yesterday we were practising. Of course, we got caught in the most embarrassing way possible. Our choreographer called us onstage telling us to stop having so much fun. GA!

taking my own advice/following my brother's example

I was talking to my sister on the weekend, and she was talking about when we were kids. If Danny would act up, we had completely different approaches to it. Gloria, in all her 11-year-old wisdom, decided that the best way for us to help him was to set an example. My response, according to her, was "That won't work!!" so I decided to yell at him while Gloria acted how she thought he should act.

Today, the trend continues. I still yell at my brother (though not as often, and much subtler), and my latest piece of "advice" to my brother was to write in his blog daily. He wants to be a writer, and it seemed like good advice. What I didn't really anticipate is that he would actually do it. Instead of waiting for inspiration, he's just writing down his uninspired thoughts, and the result is wonderful. So, now, by some weird combination of things, I am following my brother following my advice. I'm going to try and write a blog everyday. Maybe the result won't be very good, but at least I'll be consistently getting things down. Like my brother, I want to be a writer someday (I'd like to write a play someday.), also, I want to be a songwriter, but lately the inspiration doesn't seem to be there. But maybe I just need to practice. Or maybe it's not what I'm meant to do. Or maybe that's being pessimistic. Sometimes I can't tell.

I'm in the theatre right now, doing mic checks for Two Gentlemen of Verona. I keep on missing my turn to go up. Everyone is a little grumpy or a little down. I'm trying to muster up some sunshine. That's not easy.

gossip is a funny word

Relient K has this great song called "Who I Am Hate Who I've Been," and I really don't need to tell you more that, because I think it's pretty clear what it's about. But that feeling of remorse is a good thing, I think, because it means you're changing.

However, lately, I've been feeling degenerative. I've spent the last couple school years with roughly the same thirty-five people, and while, I understand and cherish the benefits of a bunch of people growing together, I feel like lately, I've been feeling the disadvantages, hardcore. I've totally fallen into the trap of gossiping and judging my peers. And I don't really know if this is true, but I feel like it's especially hard to avoid in a performance program, where we are constantly watching each other and critiquing so our own performances can get better. But I think we forget to stop when the person stops performing and let that person just exist.

Once, at church, we were talking about gossip, and something very wise was said about often Christians will gossip under the mask of Christian concern. At school, our gossiping is all in the name of human study/performing arts. It all seems very right, very proper, to dissect the behaviour of our friends, so we can understand how to view their performances with better context. But even if the people never find out how much I discussed them, I know that I'm not really seeing people for who they are, but for who I've concluded they must be.

But then again, sometimes, I just feel like I need to vent. But is this venting letting go of these thoughts inside me, or necessitating a need for them? Maybe if I didn't "vent" all the time, I would just stop getting so frustrated or judgmental. Is this the case? Someone talk to me.

*I'm on my new computer. I thought I should christen it with a blog entry. This is the start of my new life: I spent 6 years on my old PC desktop, and now I enter the professional theatre world with this pretentious piece of plastic under my arm.

my contribution to the internet this week

is a song. I know I haven't been blogging very well, but whatever, you all are reading this over a feed anyway. I got recording equipment this week, and as a result, realized that my computer is too old and I need a new one. I might get a Mac, but I just hate Mac users. They're all so effing* smug!

So I recorded a song and put it up on my my my myspace: http://myspace.com/estherwroteasong. It would be cool if you had 2:42 to listen to TES. I spent all Sunday afternoon on it, and I'm cautiously proud.

Peace, friends!

*I believe that "effing" of "f" (as in "what the f!") is the funniest way to not swear.

dream of the day: to be inspiring

I'm in a funny mood, though a familiar one. I'm craving contact. Though I desperately need rest, and though there are many useful things I could be doing right now, all I want to do is feel like I'm communicating. But I'm too tired/shy to see out a real conversation. So instead, I Facebook/blog/internet stalk.

I'm kind of a viking (and not in a cool way). I'm sweeping into your life and pillaging all that I need without giving anything back. I'm trying to make you be my friend, without being yours. I'm taking all that entertainment and honesty from blogs and Facebook, and then hiding myself away.

Anyway, that's why I'm blogging right now. To "give back" to the internet community I take advantage of so much, and to feel connected to this unidentified group of readers. I realize that maybe, I'm just adding to the noise, but maybe, I'm starting a conversation with a friend.

One of the reasons I suddenly got convicted for being reclusive (and not in the cool I'm-taking-time-for-myself way, but in the I-don't-feel-like-other-people-are-worth-my-effort-right-now way), is because I came across this shamefully inspiring website. You may have heard of http://songstowearpantsto.com, right? Well, this guy (his name is Andrew and he's very nice) has this other website called http://andrewismusic.com, and on his FAQ and bio there, my feelings of awe and jealousy seemed to be transferred into feelings of potential aptitude.

So, right now, I feel like I should be creating, but all I can do is blog. My guitar is so far across the room, and writing songs is hard. It's so much easier to take from this world.

Today, I had a small milestone: I told people that I was "an aspiring actor." This story would probably be more impressive if I dropped the "aspiring" and didn't immediately qualify it by saying "I know it's kind of... you know," but I will still acknowledge this first baby step. I know sometimes I'm really psyched, but in that quiet, true way, I think I'm becoming okay with being a foolish dreamer.

I'm scared, you know? I really don't know what I'll be doing in one year. I've always said that I want to make art, but I'm learning that what I really want is to take that still, small voice in me and make it resound and resonate with people (or at least that's what I want to want). But who knows how that will take form or if it will at all?

No eye has seen,
no ear has heard,
no mind has conceived
what God has prepared for those that love him.

I have this week off. I'm going to Guelph to spend some time with some Jesuits, getting headshots done and generally singing and acting in a room by myself until I get better. That's how I spend my time. Life has changed for your friend Esther.

time warp

I am coming to a point in my life where I have to make some decisions. And these questions like "What will I do when I graduate?" or "Where will I live?" are not only practical questions, but they seem to encapsulate a piece of my identity - namely, the kind of artist I will be. How can I be a Christian artist? A Canadian artist? A Korean-Canadian artist?

I think it's pretty daring of me to to declare myself an artist. Who am I? An angsty adolescent with a blog, a few songs under belt and some big aspirations of acting. But I'm okay with being this bold. I want to make art. I want to change to world. I want to be a speaker of truth.

It's still shocking to me to think of three years ago when I was stressed out because I didn't know what I would be doing next September. This time, I'm kind of excited. I'm excited to find out what kind of shape my career/art/life will take. Now, I understand (cerebrally) that it will be hard - I will probably be working a crappy job, probably way below my qualifications, but at least I'll be chasing something, you know?

I'm probably being way too optimistic right now. Give me a few years to get hardened.

"what does SAT stand for?"

This summer, as you may know, I taught SAT prep, and in the first class, we couldn't really teach anything so we had to give a little intro talk on the SATs. I always started with the question "What does SAT stand for?" Now, if everything went as planned, I'd get a number of reasonable responses like Standard Aptitude Test or Scholastic Achievement Test, then some stupid ones like Silly Annoying Thing. Then, as a part of my attempt to make the kids like me, I'd add ones like Surf And Turf, or Sweet Apple Tart. AND THEN, as part of my final flourish, I'd announce that officially the letters SAT don't stand for anything. That was how I planned it. Usually what would happen is some smart-ass would say "It stands for nothing," and give away the whole thing, thus ruining my entire flourish.

Anyway, I'd usually barrel through, and said to them, "So what can we extrapolate* is that just as the letters SAT don't mean anything, the SAT does not mean anything - not achievement, not aptitude, not dinner choices. It's just a test that people have randomly assigned meaning to, and that's why you're taking this course." Now I said this to relax them a bit. That this test is only important because people say it is, and if their opinion matters, you have to work a bit, but it's still just a random test.

Now today and yesterday, my music theatre class was subjected to a series of auditions. How much these matter is a point in contention - the teachers know us and our work. They tell us it's a learning experience and that is probably true as well. But, you know, I'm coming to realize that these auditions are just like the SATs. They mean nothing. They don't necessarily represent how talented I am or how well I perform, but someone is attaching importance to it, suddenly, I have to work.

Needless to say, this blog is just a long way of saying "sour grapes." But, you know, maybe it's healthy to take a little bit comfort in meaninglessness. I will add this to the many scales to balance (lest I go too extreme in any given direction, which I certainly have been known to do).



*Then I'd write "extrapolate" on the board, and have them define it.

snap back to reality*

So I've been in Canada two weeks now, and Seoul seems so far away. Everything that happened there seems to be fictional at this point, and all the people I met and all the things I learned seemed to be encased within this storybook, rather than something that happened just a little while ago. As if I worked that much teaching SAT prep, math and physics! As if I shopped as much as I did! As if I stayed in a place where I didn't know the language for so long! It seems unreal. Even the spiritual growth I experienced seems very far away now.

So here I am at the beginning of my last year of musical theatre school. Can you believe it? I was talking to my friend at church today, and she said it just seemed like yesterday I was about to plunge into it from just finishing at U of T. Wow! As if I went to U of T for engineering! Everything is starting to be fictional.

Korea seemed to be training me for something. With Jubilee, I really learned a new way to worship God, which doesn't necessary seem to work the same way in my life here. Maybe it's this coming year, preparing me to make all these big decisions. I've totally been here before! Three years ago, I went through the same spiel of questions. Remember all those emo blogs? I liked them, but they were clearly from heart of angst of a 20-year-old girl. Now I am 23, and have everything under control!

This is my life, but I refuse to give that phrase too much gravity. There are either no mistakes or too many. Either way, if I try and control it I'll just get run over.

This year is my showcase year and I'm supposed to be coming to a point where I'll can show the world what I've learned over the last two years, and that's supposed to be some semblance of enough. This year, may I be bold enough to let myself be who all these experiences have led me to be.

This is a blog from December 2005. It's kind of crazy how life works. You know, secretly, I hoped that doing this musical theatre thing from engineering would make me more interesting to people. I'm not really sure if that worked. I think, no matter what I did three years ago, I'd be just as interesting, which just goes to show - what people actually do is kind of superficial. Really, how does it reflect the actual person? This week, I've met up with friends from university who are becoming lawyers, doctors and PhDs, but to me, they haven't changed - they're just finally finding their niche.

Too many big questions for one blog. I'm out of practice. I've missed you, written blog.




*At the noraebangs in Seoul, Lose Yourself became my signature song.

vlog #17: final thoughts from incheon

Last one. It's been cool.

vlog #16: feet in the Cheongyecheon

vlog #15: pensive

I'm think-y. There will an action-packed one soon!

vlog #14: happy

Look at me, being all positive!

vlog #13: two down, one to go

This is only a quick check-up. I wouldn't recommend this to anyone who wants to be entertained.

vlog #12: my family

vlog #11: political thoughts and theatre

Okay, so I've stopped being nervous about vlogging, but that is now having an adverse effect. This happened with school too - without being concerned enough, I'm a little too laid back and I'm babbling on too long with no point and I haven't properly planned out what I'm going to say.

With this in mind, here's vlog #11:

linda, aren't you proud of me?

Dear Linda,

I climbed a freakin' mountain today, and you'd better be proud, because it was really hard, and I'm never doing it again.

So I called Umma this morning to ask her which mountain I should climb, and she said she used to climb Dobongsan every weekend. Every weekend! It should be no problem for me to do just once. So Sharon and I took the subway for an hour to get there.

Here's me when I still had hope. I took this picture specifically for you, Linda. Please note that I'm eating corn.


I hope you like tragedies. This next picture was taken as we turned a corner. Sharon (who was speeding in front of me) said, "Esther, don't look up." And then when I looked up, this is what I saw:


This is the first of many hopeless views on my climb.

How did Umma do this every weekend? I'm tired, and I will go to bed before 9:00 tonight as a result. I didn't think I was that out of shape, but Sharon went up with me, and she had fun. I was literally saying things like, "I don't wanna do this anymore. I'm going to stop." and praying aloud to Jesus, asking Him to get me to the top of the mountain. It brought back those wonderful, ahem, memories of climbing mountains with you. I kept on thinking about how ashamed you'd be of me for taking so many breaks, then being so proud of me for actually getting to the top.

Oh, and we got to the top. Too bad is was too cloudy to actually see anything. So my proof of getting to the top is the map at the bottom of the mountain. We went to Jaunbong - that's right, the TALLEST ONE.

You would have loved this mountain, though, Linda. There's all these ajimas and ajishees in full-out hiking gear - nylon shirts, Nalgene bottles, and hiking poles. They were all so hard-core, and then they'd all find a corner and have a picnic. The wimps were the younger ones.

Linda, you'd be so proud of me and Sharon. We're eating so healthy because we're on this Daniel fast thing - no white flour, no animal products, no sugar. I was just eating pineapples. Aren't you proud? I'm eating like you minus the weird low-fat foods. They have these tofu chips which are amazing.

I need to go to bed now, Linda. I miss you, and I'm mad that I wasn't home when you were. I feel like I'm getting left out of family events. Especially when I get up early to call home at dinner time when I know you'll all be there, and no one is there, because everyone left already. That makes me sad.

You are going to move to Vancouver now, and you'll be far far away again, so Hardeep and I cannot visit you as easily, even if you insult him when he tries to help you. I miss you, seester.

love,

esther
P.S. I'm sorry for depressing you. I'm actually feeling pretty good. I wonder if that's related to the exercise.

vlog #10: pros and cons

I'm tired. I have less insight and entertainment capability when I'm tired.

vlog #9: walking down Cheonggyecheon

my dear lisa

it's been such a long time, friend! i've been trying to keep updated by blog-stalking you and i love and miss you with every random picture.

so, you are being public blog emailed, which means that i'm going to have this email up on my blog as well. i hope you don't mind. i don't think you will...

i'm in korea! it's been about a month now, and i really hate my job right now (something i know you can relate to)... but right now, i'm reminded of a quote you put on your blog: "I do positively HATE my job, but whatever I hate my job in NYC!" i hate my job, but whatever i hate my job in seoul! i never thought of it like that yet. i need lessons in joy.

i've been thinking about you every once in a while here. in seoul, there are so many cute, cute things. there are some things that i know you would just love - the stationary, for example, is adorable. i was going to take a picture for you, but instead, i'll just send it to you in the mail. but keep in mind, that it'll take me a while to send it, and then it'll be a few weeks. but it'll be worth the wait... maybe. all the clothes are very cute, and some of it is super cheap - like about five dollars for a shirt is very common. and then some of my friends raised the question whether it's christian to buy nice clothes and i brought you up as an example of someone who worships God through beautiful things.

anyway, the reason you are getting public blog emailed is because i went to this amazing part of town - Samchung-dong - and my cousin took me to this cute restaurant that i know you would have loved. check it out.



Basak means 'crunchy'! this is the inside:



napkin holder on the table was neat-oh with this cool picture behind it.



bathroom! isn't it cool!



but here's the clincher. here's why i KNOW you'd love love love it:


HAND-WRITTEN menus! it looks like someone's journals, with little stickers and pictures on it.

anyway, i miss you, lisa... oh wait, i just remember why i didn't mail you that postcard already. how much longer will you be in NYC? let me know where i should mail you.

love to you, lisa lisa!

esther

a new song

Okay, no vlog today, and perhaps, not this week. Instead, I'm sharing a new song.

Things to note:
1. Don't try and play guitar and record yourself when the camera is on the bed. It will shake.
2. I lose my words a couple times, but right now I don't really care. Maybe I'll redo it later. Maybe not. Whatever.

이블데드!

So I talked a bit about it in my vlog, but just in case you don't watch those, it was wonderful. I was wondering if they'd keep all the sexy jokes, because, in my point of view, Koreans just don't do that, but they were definitely there (as far as I can gather. It was in Korean, so I just went from what I remembered and their suggestive body language.). The audience was also all young girls, which is almost the opposite of what it is in Toronto. The friend I was with was saying that the connection might very well be because of the sexual jokes. She said that in her experience, it's the girls who like the sexual jokes, rather than in North America where the opposite is more likely to be true.

The dancing was incredible and the singing was amazing. They really played up the campiness to the max. In the Toronto version (which, don't get me wrong, I LOVED), I really didn't like "Housewares Employee," the ballad in the beginning of the show. But in this show, they took campiness to the highest level possible. There wasn't a single weak link.

The moose in this show was actually Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer and at the end, they had these incredible encores. Now, I have a thing against planned encores, but the audience wanted it, and it was awesome. There was a beat-boxing, rapping, break-dancing encore, followed by each of the cast members singing a song from the show by another character (which must so cool, being an actor, and showing off this other side!)

It's cool to see Koreans play every role. In Canada, I sometimes feel so limited by what I can play, but it really can't be an issue here. Koreans come in all shapes and sizes, so it was nice for everyone to see past the initial issue of non-whiteness immediately. Not to say Koreans aren't racist.

I saw Macbeth last week, and I can sense a kind of physical theatre tradition. In the showing of Macbeth, it was past realism into true physical symbolism whenever possible, and it was wonderful. (When Macbeth was deciding to kill Duncan, he did it hanging from the ceiling upside down! And Lady M's hand-washing speech was her stomping in a bucket then using Macbeth to walk on the walls.) That kind of understanding of theatre, I believe, is what makes Evil Dead so good, and it probably works so well here.

Seeing Evil Dead has reminded me that I have to get my dance up, but there has been NO TIME! Gah! I found another place to go to, and it's closer to work. Koreans dance a lot, I guess. The dude at the place asked me whether I was learning so I could dance in the background of a music video. HA!

Yay! Regular written blog. Hope this doesn't bore you!

vlog #8: boring and unsmart

I hope this isn't boring. GAH!

vlog #7: guitars and singing

vlog #6: theatre fiasco

Okay, two things:
1. I was in the bathroom because my roommates were sleeping.
2. In this video, I'm talking about Evil Dead: The Musical, which, by the way, is now the longest running Canadian musical in Toronto history.
3. I'm really busy, but I'll try for one vlog a week.

vlog #5: a long rant

Caution: Only watch this one if you miss me a LOT. This will cure it.

all l is on!

ALL L IS ON!!!!

you are being public blog emailed! boo yeah! (read here for a description of what that is.) everyone will be able to read this email on my blog so i can share information with everyone whilst specifically addressing people. little brother Danny said that he thinks that "this will be a really neat way for you to kind of catalog your experience, conversationally."

Alllison, I'm emailing you specifically because i just took a dance class today and i feel awesome. tired? yes. light-headed and sore? more and more every second. but i feel inspired. i have forgotten what it's like to have a really good dance class, and i really do want to get better. trying as hard as i was and being amongst people who are so much better than me really opened my eyes to how much i've stopped trying at school.

okay, so this dance class is run totally in korean and it's basically a jazz class. alllison, i took THE BEGINNER LEVEL - the lowest possible level i could take and it almost killed me. okay, so i've never taken a dance class outside of school, but is this what i'm to expect? the little korean woman running the class may have been close to 50, but she was FIT - kind of like Robin if she was korean, and she was tough. maybe koreans work harder than the classes i'm used to, because after this class, no one left! everyone just stayed from 8:30 to 9:00 working on the combo (which, by the way, was long and really fast). alllison, i'm pretty sure if i keep on taking this class, i will be a better dancer come september. please, encourage me. now, i could sign up for a month of classes at 110,000 won for a month (~$110), or just a coupon of 10 classes for 130,o00 won, which i think is more practical because it requires less commitment, which could turn out being Bad News Bears, because i'll do a total of 10 classes for the entire summer.

good news #2! i went to this church called Jubilee (and it's awesome but that's for another email) and asked some lady about singing lessons, and she was all like, "oh yeah! totally! ...but, hold on, are you looking for opera singing, because the guy i'm thinking of is more musical theatre..." I KNOW! isn't that totally wack how i seem to be taken care of out here?

one last thing: you know how sometimes we like to talk about racism? do you think this applies?



maybe you can't tell what i'm referring to. i'll blow it up.


now, to me, it seems like they took a brown happy face and gave it a fro and called it a Black girl and a Black boy, but my friends here seem to think they're just sheep. I don't know. i suppose it's not very important.

okay, friend, i'm tired, and i'm going to bed.

good night/morning!

-esther

vlog #4: a quick korean chat

Ag! I'm late for work! I have to buy an umbrella so the Korean acid rain doesn't kill me.

dear danny

dear danny,

i thought of you today. not only because i miss you and you are my favourite human being, but also because of this meal i had today:

in case you don't recognize it, it's ramyun, and that is your favourite meal. i ordered it from a restaurant. if you observe the colour a little closer, you'll see that it is faintly orange. that is because i was able to order it with a slice of process cheese on top. i thought this was just some weird thing that you thought up of all by yourself, but apparently not. fortunately, i melted it before i could thought to take a picture.

i have to go. i have to call our korean uncle. this is my fourth try. the other three times, i tried to speak korean (which failed) so they got what i can only assume is our cousin to translate. i think we're going to try and have dinner later this week. but, you know, i think it's important in this whole getting in touch with my roots thing - because if parents didn't move from korea, that's kind of where we'd be. weird, eh?

i also learned from talking with some other teachers here that our parents were some of the early ones to move from korea - that they were the adventurous ones. that makes me really proud and happy because as much as we've been outsiders because of our ethnicity in stoney creek, but also being so endrenched in Canadian culture because we were born here, our parents were doing big things and who we are is kind of a testament to that.

okay, danny, i love you, and i hope you don't mind being public blog emailed.

-esther

hey keely! i'm in korea!

Hey Keely!

It's Esther in Korea! It is Sunday morning and it still blows my mind to think that it is at night where you are. I think we might actually get some sun today, which would be really nice.

At this point I think I should tell you that you are the first in a series of experiments: a public blog email. I figure I'll be writing most people the same kind of thing, but people still want to be contacted in a some-what personal manner. So this email that I'm writing will be on my blog as well. Except with pictures and links. I hope you don't mind. You, of course, are certainly not expected to email me back in blog form, or really at all if you don't want to.

Anyway, I've chosen to write to you because you're the first person I specifically thought of while out here looking at stuff. I saw the Great South Gate yesterday, of which I knew nothing about until you. I remember you saying, "Hey, that gate thing burned down," or something like that. Then I said something like "What gate?" "It's like one of the only things to survive the last 600 years. How do you not know about this?" But that, of course, was in my white-washed past. Now I'm in Korea, therefore, very Korean. (ummm....)

Now I've seen it, and I was actually really surprised because I didn't know where it was - I didn't even know it was in Seoul, and I was just in Namdaemun Market, and then I was like "Oh! This is what Keely must have been talking about!" But I guess you heard it from pH, and we all know he's more Korean than I am, but now you are more Korean than me by extension.

Korea's fun so far. I've done a lot of practical shopping in high stress areas like the market. My lack of Korean makes me feel extremely prone to being ripped off, but never the less, it's fun, and the prices I get are never really that bad. My friends here tell me that it's expected that I bargain, but I don't even like doing that in English. And then add the fact that I speak very little Korean. It took me forever just to explain that I wanted a blanket. Then to demand a lower price seems ridiculous, when I can only use hand signs and the price must be written down for me every time. But I got a really good deal on a digital camera! The dude spoke really good English, and it was a display model so I spent like $130 on a 8.1 Megapixel, 3.6 zoom digital camera plus 2GB of memory. Not to my credit though - I just lucked out.

It would be cool to have you here. My apartment screams for your practicality and you always seem to do well with those kinds of things. Plus I think you'd have so much fun in the Market. (That's basically the only thing I've done so far.) And the cheap clothes shopping is plentiful. Today I'm going to Gangnam subway station to shop.

So the internet connection I've been piggy-backing isn't very reliable. Maybe they're figuring out that there seems to be way more computers in the area and are taking the proper precautions. I hope not. Just wait one week until we get our own! This means I'll have to post this email later, and it will neither be Saturday night for you, nor Sunday morning for me when this goes online.

Okay, I'm going to stop writing.

I miss you!

-esther

vlog #3: i can't speak korean

Next time, I'm going to try to seem more excited about this. When I feel self-conscious, I try to play it cool, but when I'm cool, I look sleepy.




Despite my troubles, I got a digital camera! Which means pictures! I'm so f-ing hi-tech. I think I'll have to get a flickr account. I'm all up in your internet space.

vlog #2: arrived in Seoul

Okay, guys, here is vlog #2 for realz, this time. I don't like this one for the following three reasons:
1. The background is uninteresting.
2. I don't have a lot to say.
3. My hair's really bad.

That being said, enjoy!

vlog #1: waiting for my rocket to come

In keeping with YNBS, here is my korean vlog! Not hidden from all of you, but rather displayed for all to see on my blog! Man, I'm bold.

it's time

It's five days until lift-off. I haven't written since then, because I have been doing NOTHING. Whenever a holiday comes along, I, inevitably, end up incredibly indolent.* I love being busy, but, more than that, I hate being not-busy, so I save the things I have to do, then I end up forgetting to do them or doing them at the last minute. Like packing. Or learning Korean. Or writing in my blog.

Anyway, in the spirit of Not Being Shy, I think I'm going to put up a video blog - because what could be more outgoing and possibly embarrassing than putting videos of myself on the internet? I hope to document my trip with blogs and emails.** † However, as much as I wish to be very insightful on my cultural confrontation and to be seeing lots of interesting things on my trip (which will be relayed to you by the camera I'm going to buy once I get to Korea), I make no promises. There is no guarantee for quality or quantity for the next three months.

I'm not sure how I feel about the whole thing. There's been a lot of waiting, and I think I have run out of excited. Plus, I have no idea what Korea will be like. All the websites and travel books seem to tell me is how different that place is, so it's hard to maintain excitement for something that is no more than an abstraction to me. I am excited about meeting up with Christopher Crazypants in Vancouver during my layover because 1. It's been such a long time since I've seen him; and 2. I have a good idea of what it will be like (i.e. awesome).

But here's what I know about Korea so far:
1. I'm going to Seoul, a city of a population of 20 million people. An old friend that I don't speak to anymore once wrote this to me: "You [are] one in a million. Which means there are about 8 of you in NYC." It follow that there are about 20 of me in Seoul. Damn.
2. Readers of TIME magazine voted Rain as the most influential person in 2007, and third most influential person in 2008. I'd never heard of Rain until The Colbert Report. K-pop is apparently really big.
3. On the streets in Seoul, the numbers don't go in order. You need a map to get anywhere.
4. They have musical theatre in Korea! Evil Dead:The Musical recently moved there with an apparently K-pop-ish take on it. And they have tons of it, and it's good! Like Sweeney Todd and The Producers, along with some of their own wordless, funny, Taekwon-do musicals like Jump.
5. The biggest church in the world is in Korea.
6. Karaoke.

We'll see how my ideas get fleshed out and how my assumptions will be knocked down. Wish me luck!







*I first learned this word from a really funny email. It's a long story, that I was going to write, but like so many of my stories, it'll probably end up not as funny as I thought.

**Letters take more than a week to go back and forth, and I'm far too impatient and lazy. I still have two postcards with addresses and stamps on them from about a month ago to Sue and Lisa, but I haven't had the time to write something on them and put them in the mail. Add this to the list of things I haven't done. However, if you would like mail, email me your mailing address.

†Danny's lending me his laptop for Korea. He's such a good brother.

only on my two thousandth coffee

This blog is in response to this one, by one of my favourite bloggers, LtK. She just moved to a new city, in a new country, away from a church she loved and felt loved at (incidentally, the church I went to as well), and started to look for a new church.

I found this blog particularly interesting because I've been experiencing something similar. I haven't moved to another country - in fact, I haven't even left the province. I'm just an hour's drive away from Toronto, but having finished my degree and going to another school and moving, I just felt like it was time to find another church. I wanted to be at a church near where I live so I could actively be involved in the community.

That was two years ago. Since then, I've been to at least seven different churches. Many different kinds of services, but mainly I've been looking for words like "youth" and "contemporary worship." I joke that I've become a church hopper, but I feel less like an adventurous nomad but more like an intrusive couch-crasher. LtK talks of standing around awkwardly, waiting for someone to talk to you, which I certainly relate to*. But more than that, I feel like I'm always standing on the outside, first of all, watching how the people treat each other, and secondly, I find myself critically observing the worship and service, not willing to buy into anything completely. After going to the same church for four years, it's hard for me to accept anything that's not exactly the same.

But I forget that God is in all these places, and He can't fit into the single church model I've made in my mind. It's really me that's far too limited to be able to fit into these other churches. On one hand, it's wonderful to see different people pursue God, but on the other, I feel really alone because I can't seem to find someone to relate to.

I'm going to Korea on the 21st of May, so the Church Search will be temporarily put to rest. I'm looking forward to seeing how Koreans do church.



*I think I've been too afraid of awkwardness. Awkwardness has become the gauge of acceptable social behaviour. Just don't get awkward and anything else you do is fine.

an infinitely-sided die would be a sphere

As a kid, I sporadically watched Ready Or Not*. Never regularly - it was hard for me to pin down when it actually showed, but these two episodes stuck in my mind. The first was an episode about a black boy working for Busy's father, and Busy's father being racist and and stupid. My conclusion: Some people are racist and stupid.

The next episode I remember... Maybe it was just a piece of an episode, but I remember Busy going to some prom and her and her dad having a beautiful father-daughter moment. And, honestly, I was confused. Isn't this the racist dad? How can he be loving when he's so prejudiced?

Now, I'm not saying Ready Or Not is wonderful TV, way ahead of its time, but even now, it's hard for me to watch TV and buy that someone can do a really bad thing and still be good. Now, we have tons of TV and film where we justify the bad things that people do (murder, theft, adultery), so we don't think they're bad anymore, but we don't usually show that people can love people so well, and then hate for unacceptable reasons.

I don't think I like to see hypocrites because they're hard to understand.

I'm coming to a point in my life where there are people I don't like. For these people, I'm so willing to write off every good thing they do as attention-seeking or fake or needy. Also, for the people I like, I can't deal with the things they do that are bad - I justify them, so I can continue liking them. But then my own beliefs get muddled. It's too hard for me to allow people to have more than one side.

Maybe things will be easier once I come to terms with my culture.



*I read earlier today in a book called Why Do Men Fall Asleep After Sex? that studies have shown that television doesn't actually rot your brain. In fact, children who watch TV from an early age have the same or greater aptitude for learning, as compared to those who don't.

i love blogs

Happy Good Friday, everyone! This Good Friday, I'm trying to refresh my memory on who I am. But, instead, I find myself reading peoples' blogs, and I just want to say to all you bloggers - Thank you for blogging. Thank you for being so honest on this great public forum. They kind of remind me of what it's like to be human sometimes - whether you're a knitter in Holland, or a bride in North Carolina, or a(n) university kid figuring out his artistic self-expression, or a new mother in Montreal, I find so much of myself reflected in your words - and, yet, I also find a very humbling feeling of how limited my own experience is.

Have a happy Easter, my friends! May we all realize the fullness of life (and then blog about it)!

rash decision

So as a result of a very intense acting tutorial, I've decided to go to Korea for the summer to teach English. I've found a job, and I'm currently in the process of getting all the paperwork done. Cool, eh? Maybe not, we'll see. I bet it will be a blog-worthy experience.

little mermaid vs. saw

I'm watching The Little Mermaid for the first time in a long time, and it just struck me how terrifying the Les Poissons scene actually is. If those fish are actually people, than having them decapitated and fried and stuffed...


As a generation raised on Disney, I'm surprised that most of us aren't vegetarians.

my name is esther and i'm korean*

As YNBS progresses, I'm finding out how limited I am. Shyness is funny - it actually hides your other faults: your severe lack of tact and eloquence, your bitterness and judgement, your pretentiousness, et cetera.

On Friday, a teacher suggested that much of my difficulty with acting may be rooted in my denial of my Korean-ness. If I can't be myself, how can I know how to be someone else? I argued that I wasn't really Korean because I don't speak Korean, have Korean friends, or eat a lot of Korean food (He scoffed at this one). His point was that it was certainly a part of me, my blood, my family, and to deny it is putting myself in tension. "You think everyone else is racist? You should listen to yourself."

And it's true. It's gut-wrenchingly, fall-down-on-the-floor-crying-ly true. If someone asked me what I liked about being Korean, the list would be very short. I mean, I'm proud of my accomplishments, but I hate how my piano playing, taekwon-do black belt, engineering degree and general consciousness make me a stereotype. So I've pushed away anything Korean.

How can I live like that? Everyone can see that I am not white, but I've been trying to deny it, and perhaps, missing out on some major clues about who I am.

I watched Mulan last night, and balled.** In some ways, I'm so that girl trying to figure out how she fits into the world, but, as a Korean-Canadian, I don't have to fight against my culture.

I wrestled the angel for more than a name.
-"Twenty-Four" by Swichfoot

*You may have noticed that I usually talk about being Asian, rather than Korean - Oh no, that would be too revealing. I make "Asian" jokes. I make generalizations about an entire continent rather than one country.
**Damn you, Disney. For all your corporate power, you can still tell a good story.

hopeful romantic

I met my friend's mom, the other day. To my surprise, when she heard my name she said, "Oh. Yes. I've read your blog. You're a romantic." Cool. I feel famous. But am I a romantic? And furthermore, she thought I was a romantic from reading my blog? Someone last semester told me that I was the most sarcastic, negative person they had ever met, and certainly I realize that this blog doesn't do anything to disprove that statement.*

And despite my great sense of vitriol, I believe that I am a romantic. I want to fall in love and go to Paris. OR come back from Paris with a makeover and have the man that has ignored me my whole life suddenly think I'm hot.† I mean, who doesn't?

Of course, the "I mean, who doesn't?" arguement doesn't necessarily mean that this romanticism is healthy. I feel like I have been almost obsessive over this idea. I also feel like maybe I have been subconsciously waiting for the day my life turns into a romantic comedy and then I'll be completely fufilled. Until then, it's fine if I'm a little down.

O Israel, put your hope in the LORD
both now and forevermore.‡

I think I have misplaced my hope. And this is probably just as well, because the Lord is very near, and Paul Rudd is... not, and the Lord is ever constant, and Paul Rudd gains weight everytime I see him in a movie.

This Year of Not Being Shy thing is important and good for me. But my boldness should be the boldness in Christ, not the desperation for friends or romance.

I'm still so young and confused.



*I'd like to take this opportunity to apologize to and thank everyone who reads this blog. I am usually in a certain mood when I blog, so I really appreciate having people listen/read.
†Of course, I'm referencing Sabrina. Watch the old one. It's better.
‡Psalm 131:3

thought of the day

Empathy is just creative selfishness.

Discuss.