Friday, May 15, 2009


I'm moving! Why? Well, it has the semblance of being productive.

Saturday, May 02, 2009

in search of a metaphor

Is trusting God like:
1. waiting for a ride,
2. jumping off a bridge and hoping that something saves you before you hit the ground, or
3. digging a tunnel without knowing for sure whether it leads somewhere?

I'm officially done school and need to figure stuff out!

Friday, May 01, 2009

blotches on my monitor make things less clear

I must start this blog with a picture:

I was moving my parent's van a short distance so I left my the side doors open. My backpack fell out and got caught under the wheel. For some reason, that morning, I decided to bring my laptop (I think I was considering applying for jobs in my down time, which ironically, I now need more than ever.). In a flurry, I moved the car, and checked my laptop, which seemed fine, but when I turned it on, I found the screen looked like this.  I am now writing this blog on with the above blotches on my screen (mirrored, of course). 

So this, of course, sucks. To emphasize the blow, my camera was in the bag and so the display doesn't work, so I cannot see the pictures I have taken (It's like I'm in the 90s.) and I can't change the settings (or I could change them, but I don't know what I'd be changing them from or to.). Furthermore, this is just one week after I had to replace the windshield of my car after some random thing coming off a car or truck on the highway hits me. For the first time in my life, I will be incapable of paying off my credit card bill in full - just in time for the start of my new life.

But the weirdest thing is I'm not too stressed about it. I initially freaked out and cried, yes, but I soon concluded that it's all just stuff and money. Could this be evidence of growth? Or just does this happen to be a good day for Esther's insides? 

This has been a weird week for your friend, Esther. It's the first week without shows, yet with dispersed activity, and a LOT of introspection. Mostly the old stuff, but also a new question: Should I go to Korea again this summer? I would be doing the same job, and making the same money. On one hand, the money would be nice, but on the other hand, it kinda feels like selling out - doing a job I don't like for the money, while I escape the responsibility of pursuing my dreams. I'm not saying I'll never go back, but right now, when I'm trying to begin, it seems cowardly to delay that.  But with all this cash draw, maybe I'm being forced into a decision. Does God work that way?

Also: This is the first blog I have done with importing to Facebook. I think I'm shy, but right now, it's important for me to share my journey.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

a big ball of horrible questions

Today I finished my vocal jury, which is the last thing I will be evaluated on at Sheridan College. Basically, for the last few months, I've been putting these 4 songs together to sing in front of my class and about 10 vocal teachers and I did that today, ending in a rewritten verse to They All Laughed dedicated to my class. Now, I'm not totally finished. I still have to go to school to finish Grease, watch other juries, talk to my teachers, go to prom, and go to an awards night, but the work itself is done. School will just peter out as I try to transition into something rather than nothing. 

This end of school is supposed to mean something: like, now I should be ready to face the industry as a young professional. Now, it's up to me to believe in myself, and not depend on the spoon-feeding of my teachers. I remain unconvinced. I almost feel less prepared than when I first came, because now, I'm more aware of my insufficiencies. When I first came, I thought everyone was amazing, and though I knew I wasn't a crazy singer or an experienced actor, I believed myself to be good enough. Now I often find myself watching people with jealous critique, and giving myself equally harsh criticism. 

You know what? I think I'm more disappointed with this seeming decay in character. That piled onto this "What to do with my future?" crizap. Oh, but maybe it's all the same thing - a big horrible ball of questions that come at the same time (i.e. Have I grown? What am I doing with my life? Why am I single? Can I do what I want to do? Am I in for disappointment? How do I ever pay my student loans? How will I make money? Will I ever make enough? Will I ever move out of my parents house? Am I wasting my talents?)

Writing out that ball made me feel better. It almost looks ridiculous this way.

Friday, April 03, 2009

i'm not very good at making plans.

IFor some reason, I'm very reluctant to make plans when I know I have a day off. Now, it doesn't help that I don't actually know what my schedule is until the night before, but even so, I find that my usual response to any plan is "maybe." For example, today, I have the day off (until 4) and I woke up and realized that I made any firm plans at all - I had two or three potential plans, but they were so vague that at this point they weren't likely to materialize. In my horrible way, I feel like if I make plans, I might miss out on something better. But what sometimes happens is that I miss out on anything.

Now, for the larger implications: I'm now graduating, and here is this block of time that I have dubbed The Rest of My Life. I have no plans. I have not looked for a non-performing job in case I get a performing job. I have not looked for a place to live in case something pulls me somewhere else. And this seems reasonable, but it just adds up to doing nothing right now. 

Or maybe I should be waiting. I wish things were more clear.

Tuesday, March 03, 2009

the wheels on the bus

I hate to say it but I've been on this bus for about 8 hours now, and I don't totally hate myself! The bus has wi-fi so I've internet-bugged a lot of people, watched Early Edition and Scrubs... Actually this bus ride is kind of what I do on my days off. That's sad for every other time but now. (Yay!)

So, it's no secret that I've been doing my typical angst-about-the-future thing. Right now, I can talk about it in a logical manner. The questions running through my head are:

1. "What am I going to do with the rest of my life?"
I'm deciding to disregard this question because it is far too general to answer, and it also tends to lead to despair.  The only answers I can think of that are true always sound a bit trite.

2. "Will I ever be able to work in this industry?" 
This can also be an unproductive in the question because it is inherently pessimistic. If this was an SAT question, I would instruct my students to not answer "No" because that would be too extreme. A less extreme answer would be "Yes", because sometime down the line I should be able to work. An even less extreme answer (and therefore, the best answer) would be "Maybe." 

And this is, of course, guessing strategy. With the information I have, however, the answer is "Probably." This may seem overly confident to some, and a little too careful for others, but I think this is the most correct answer. It's a hard industry, and realistically, I don't have a lot of experience, I'm not a dancer, I'm not the strongest singer, and I'm not the best actor (yet). Also, even with the reassurances of many of my teachers, I don't believe being a non-white, non-skinny girl is an asset (yet).

But to neglect the other side of the story would also not be honest (though tempting, because at least with one side of the story, we can be conclusive). I've been to Sheridan, and on top of the training I've received, I have many great friends who I want to collaborate with. I can pick up dance combinations better than I ever could, and in a show situation, I can even pull it off. My voice is still growing, but furthermore, I like the way it sounds sometimes. And despite whether I'm a good actor or not, I believe in it. I work hard and I can be funny and thoughtful. I've been writing songs that I like, and I think I can tell some good stories. 

If you've been keeping track, these arguments lead us to a very strong "Maybe," but here's where I'll push into "Probably." I want to do it. I want to tell stories. I want to share my songs and expose God's narrative in my life. So that's why I tentatively say "Probably."

3. "How am I going to make money?" 
So I'm on a bus to NYC. Who does that? People trying to squeeze every penny at the expense of their own comfort. I'm planning to go to see shows, but I haven't bought any tickets hoping that I'll get some rush tickets. When I come back home, I think I'll have about $100 to my name. I feel capable of many things, but getting jobs that I didn't hate has never been a skill of mine.

I need a job that is flexible so I can audition, and that I wouldn't feel too bad leaving if I got a performing. Or maybe I need to put something on hold.

Anyway, that's what's happening in my brain. Maybe NYC has something to tell me, and I'll have interesting and insightful things to say for my ride home.

Saturday, February 28, 2009

my exodus

Here's a rough version of a new song. I'll probably record it better when I have more time, but I just wanted to share.

Sunday, February 15, 2009

lonely is an illusion

Good Christians often start introspections with "I was reading in my Bible..." and then go on to make some enlightened connection from a seemingly out-dated book to their lives. Well, this is no claim to being a "good Christian," but I gotta say, there's something about these Genesis stories that connect. There's something lonely about these stories of people going on big journeys.

The connect? Well, I don't know. I'm about to graduate and I'm scared. I don't have a job, an agent, or any real plan. I have dreams but they are all smoke right now. I would love to keep on writing music, but it's hard to bank on inspiration. I would love to get a job performing, but I have to get someone to hire me first. I wonder how I'm going to pay for rent, food and OSAP. I wonder if I should move out of my parents' into Toronto, like I always assumed. 

I guess that's the loneliness. With all these questions, it's easy to think that I'm in this by myself - any luck or disaster that befalls me will be solely mine. And it IS a lot like that when I'm trying to "market myself" to casting directors, artistic directors, and agents. I guess that's also why performing is fun. All the glory's yours too. But maybe that explains why performers are often egotistical and moody.

I suppose being lonely is an illusion. Even your character is a product of so many relationships. I know being at this moment would not be possible if not for so many friends and family members who have supported me and challenged me. And then there's the promise that God keeps on speaking to all these journeyers - "I will be with you."

Maybe lonely is an illusion, but I still try to touch the pictures at the 3D movies.

Friday, January 09, 2009

pop music is okay

Hey. Maybe I'll do this again. 
What I learned: It's much faster to make a video of you playing music than recording it.
Enjoy, friends!

Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Happy 2009!

Ah, yes. It's that time of year again - the end of it: the wonderful time of retrospect and blogging! This was the end of the year I arbitrarily named Year of Not Being Shy. So I don't know what I really did this year besides change my Facebook profile and go to Korea, which I don't know qualifies as "not being shy" but significant nonetheless.

Anyway, I don't feel so great about YNBS as I did about Year Without Fear. Year Without Fear was a year of great change, and while YNBS did have some lovely moments, it wasn't as slap-in-your-face changing. To be honest, I don't know if I committed to the whole "not being shy" as much as I should have - I don't know if I was totally sold that my being shy was a bad thing. Shouldn't I exercise caution when meeting new people? (Especially cute boys?)

I've been avoiding thinking during this very long holiday. So much so that I've even taken up regular exercise. (I know! What is going on with me?) Is there something I'm avoiding? Is there something that I'm trying not to look at too hard? Or am I finally getting over my over-analytical emo phase?

2009 is a big year. Graduation, looking for work, making work, moving (where to? maybe Toronto? maybe somewhere else?). I'm really really really scared.

May this year be everything it could be, friends. May you become more of who you were meant to be. Happy 2009!