my name is esther and i'm korean*

As YNBS progresses, I'm finding out how limited I am. Shyness is funny - it actually hides your other faults: your severe lack of tact and eloquence, your bitterness and judgement, your pretentiousness, et cetera.

On Friday, a teacher suggested that much of my difficulty with acting may be rooted in my denial of my Korean-ness. If I can't be myself, how can I know how to be someone else? I argued that I wasn't really Korean because I don't speak Korean, have Korean friends, or eat a lot of Korean food (He scoffed at this one). His point was that it was certainly a part of me, my blood, my family, and to deny it is putting myself in tension. "You think everyone else is racist? You should listen to yourself."

And it's true. It's gut-wrenchingly, fall-down-on-the-floor-crying-ly true. If someone asked me what I liked about being Korean, the list would be very short. I mean, I'm proud of my accomplishments, but I hate how my piano playing, taekwon-do black belt, engineering degree and general consciousness make me a stereotype. So I've pushed away anything Korean.

How can I live like that? Everyone can see that I am not white, but I've been trying to deny it, and perhaps, missing out on some major clues about who I am.

I watched Mulan last night, and balled.** In some ways, I'm so that girl trying to figure out how she fits into the world, but, as a Korean-Canadian, I don't have to fight against my culture.

I wrestled the angel for more than a name.
-"Twenty-Four" by Swichfoot

*You may have noticed that I usually talk about being Asian, rather than Korean - Oh no, that would be too revealing. I make "Asian" jokes. I make generalizations about an entire continent rather than one country.
**Damn you, Disney. For all your corporate power, you can still tell a good story.