dream of the day: to be inspiring

I'm in a funny mood, though a familiar one. I'm craving contact. Though I desperately need rest, and though there are many useful things I could be doing right now, all I want to do is feel like I'm communicating. But I'm too tired/shy to see out a real conversation. So instead, I Facebook/blog/internet stalk.

I'm kind of a viking (and not in a cool way). I'm sweeping into your life and pillaging all that I need without giving anything back. I'm trying to make you be my friend, without being yours. I'm taking all that entertainment and honesty from blogs and Facebook, and then hiding myself away.

Anyway, that's why I'm blogging right now. To "give back" to the internet community I take advantage of so much, and to feel connected to this unidentified group of readers. I realize that maybe, I'm just adding to the noise, but maybe, I'm starting a conversation with a friend.

One of the reasons I suddenly got convicted for being reclusive (and not in the cool I'm-taking-time-for-myself way, but in the I-don't-feel-like-other-people-are-worth-my-effort-right-now way), is because I came across this shamefully inspiring website. You may have heard of http://songstowearpantsto.com, right? Well, this guy (his name is Andrew and he's very nice) has this other website called http://andrewismusic.com, and on his FAQ and bio there, my feelings of awe and jealousy seemed to be transferred into feelings of potential aptitude.

So, right now, I feel like I should be creating, but all I can do is blog. My guitar is so far across the room, and writing songs is hard. It's so much easier to take from this world.

Today, I had a small milestone: I told people that I was "an aspiring actor." This story would probably be more impressive if I dropped the "aspiring" and didn't immediately qualify it by saying "I know it's kind of... you know," but I will still acknowledge this first baby step. I know sometimes I'm really psyched, but in that quiet, true way, I think I'm becoming okay with being a foolish dreamer.

I'm scared, you know? I really don't know what I'll be doing in one year. I've always said that I want to make art, but I'm learning that what I really want is to take that still, small voice in me and make it resound and resonate with people (or at least that's what I want to want). But who knows how that will take form or if it will at all?

No eye has seen,
no ear has heard,
no mind has conceived
what God has prepared for those that love him.

I have this week off. I'm going to Guelph to spend some time with some Jesuits, getting headshots done and generally singing and acting in a room by myself until I get better. That's how I spend my time. Life has changed for your friend Esther.