Happy 2009!

Ah, yes. It's that time of year again - the end of it: the wonderful time of retrospect and blogging! This was the end of the year I arbitrarily named Year of Not Being Shy. So I don't know what I really did this year besides change my Facebook profile and go to Korea, which I don't know qualifies as "not being shy" but significant nonetheless.

Anyway, I don't feel so great about YNBS as I did about Year Without Fear. Year Without Fear was a year of great change, and while YNBS did have some lovely moments, it wasn't as slap-in-your-face changing. To be honest, I don't know if I committed to the whole "not being shy" as much as I should have - I don't know if I was totally sold that my being shy was a bad thing. Shouldn't I exercise caution when meeting new people? (Especially cute boys?)

I've been avoiding thinking during this very long holiday. So much so that I've even taken up regular exercise. (I know! What is going on with me?) Is there something I'm avoiding? Is there something that I'm trying not to look at too hard? Or am I finally getting over my over-analytical emo phase?

2009 is a big year. Graduation, looking for work, making work, moving (where to? maybe Toronto? maybe somewhere else?). I'm really really really scared.

May this year be everything it could be, friends. May you become more of who you were meant to be. Happy 2009!

big e(s)the(r/l)

I used to read Archie comics all the time, until I realized how repetitive and politically incorrect they were, but still, I remember always going to the store, sitting on a milk crate by the magazines and reading Archie comics.

One way I think that has affected me is my intrinsic attitudes towards male-female interactions. Now, I realize quite vividly that, even though Betty never gets the guy, she is obviously the better of the two, but my deep-seated issues lie with that sad, other girl, Ethel.

At my young age, I was able to see the injustice of Archie always going for Betty, especially when Betty and Veronica looked exactly the same, except for the hair, but at that point, it never occurred to me to see how coarsely they were portraying poor Ethel. Now, whenever I think of approaching a guy, I have this fear of being like Ethel - running at him, with buck-teeth and hearts around my head.

You know, there aren't a lot of female names that start with 'E'. I know this is kind of out there, but that very fact draws me a little too close to her. Ethel was the only girl who ever approached the guy in those comics (except for maybe Betty, but that never ended well for her either), she's the only non-hottie, and guys cringed when she came around, fearing that she might fall in love with them.

But, you know, at least Ethel was happy. She never spent too much time feeling sorry for herself. I don't know. It's just too easy to cop out.

thank you, friends

disappointment intimacy and monsters

So, just as a follow-up to the post earlier today, what happened is I waited for another 2 hours, and then opened the email to much disappointment. Now, that disappointment is gone now, after I have gained my right mind, but at that instant, even with the thankful preparation, I was devastated... well, maybe, I was just disappointed but then we had this feedback loop of being upset with myself for being disappointed, and then it just got out of control.

If I want to work in this industry, I realize that disappointment is something I will have to become intimate with. Disappointment may have to become my boyfriend. But as reasonable as I can be on paper, this monster of emotion comes welling up inside of me saying things like, "You're not good enough to do this!" and "No one believes in you!" or even worse, "(S)He got a great part and you didn't?!?!" And the strange thing is that these things can contradict each other, but I'll believe all of them.

Anyway, with the help of Jesus Christ, the monster's away for now, hushed with promises of peace, songs of love, and hints of purpose. But I can't help but be disappointed (Ha! There it is again.) with how much I let that monster take control.

Oy vey. Is this life? Or is this just my life?

"give thanks in all situations": an exercise

So here I am, at 7:30 on a Sunday morning, awake after about 3.5 hours of sleep, checking my email for the casting list. See this week, my class did auditions for the next four shows, and this morning, the head of the program will email us a list of who is playing what. My father (who always wakes up early. Don't ask me when - no matter how early I wake up, he's always up before me.) asks me why I'm up, and I tell the lowdown. 

"I just really want a good part, but there are so many talented people in my class," I tell him. "I'm afraid that I'll get left in the dust here."

"If you think that way, you'll always be disappointed," says my father sagely. "Be thankful always..." Then he continues on and explains why, and I have to be honest, I think I trailed off.

So, still unable to sleep, and still watching my email closely, feeling hope, but feeling more like I'll be disappointed, I decided to close that window for now, and be thankful in a systematic, list way, because that's how I roll.

• I'm thankful for Sheridan. Remember what I miracle it was that I got in?! I'm amongst the most talented students in the country, and I really am honoured to be working with them and being friends with them. I often get stuck on being jealous of their talents, but that is a waste of energy. 
• I'm thankful for living at home. I know I often complain about the commute, but I love my parents and these last few years, they've been supporting me so much, and I've gotten to see what amazing people they are.
• I'm thankful that I get to do a pop critique! I get to play the Opera House in less than a week, with an amazing band. I've seen songs I've written come to life by an amazing band! I've gotten to write songs! At Sheridan, I gotten some great encouragement when it comes to songwriting, especially when it comes to a shy girl like me. 
• Because of my waking up early, I'm watching the sun slowly fill my living room, while I lay in a blanket by the fire. I may be neurotic, but it's opened me up to this moment right now.
• I'm thankful that the show closed last night but with so much energy and life. It's, of course, sad, saying bye to things like that, but it was really fun and even though I had a small part, it was a good part. I got a song, I got to play the guitar, and I got to express myself mostly through dance!

I suppose I could go on forever. I have forgotten to do this so often lately. I am so blessed, so I resolve to be thankful, no matter what the casting. I'm going to check my email again. Wish me luck,