a big ball of horrible questions

Today I finished my vocal jury, which is the last thing I will be evaluated on at Sheridan College. Basically, for the last few months, I've been putting these 4 songs together to sing in front of my class and about 10 vocal teachers and I did that today, ending in a rewritten verse to They All Laughed dedicated to my class. Now, I'm not totally finished. I still have to go to school to finish Grease, watch other juries, talk to my teachers, go to prom, and go to an awards night, but the work itself is done. School will just peter out as I try to transition into something rather than nothing. 

This end of school is supposed to mean something: like, now I should be ready to face the industry as a young professional. Now, it's up to me to believe in myself, and not depend on the spoon-feeding of my teachers. I remain unconvinced. I almost feel less prepared than when I first came, because now, I'm more aware of my insufficiencies. When I first came, I thought everyone was amazing, and though I knew I wasn't a crazy singer or an experienced actor, I believed myself to be good enough. Now I often find myself watching people with jealous critique, and giving myself equally harsh criticism. 

You know what? I think I'm more disappointed with this seeming decay in character. That piled onto this "What to do with my future?" crizap. Oh, but maybe it's all the same thing - a big horrible ball of questions that come at the same time (i.e. Have I grown? What am I doing with my life? Why am I single? Can I do what I want to do? Am I in for disappointment? How do I ever pay my student loans? How will I make money? Will I ever make enough? Will I ever move out of my parents house? Am I wasting my talents?). 

Writing out that ball made me feel better. It almost looks ridiculous this way.

i'm not very good at making plans.

IFor some reason, I'm very reluctant to make plans when I know I have a day off. Now, it doesn't help that I don't actually know what my schedule is until the night before, but even so, I find that my usual response to any plan is "maybe." For example, today, I have the day off (until 4) and I woke up and realized that I made any firm plans at all - I had two or three potential plans, but they were so vague that at this point they weren't likely to materialize. In my horrible way, I feel like if I make plans, I might miss out on something better. But what sometimes happens is that I miss out on anything.

Now, for the larger implications: I'm now graduating, and here is this block of time that I have dubbed The Rest of My Life. I have no plans. I have not looked for a non-performing job in case I get a performing job. I have not looked for a place to live in case something pulls me somewhere else. And this seems reasonable, but it just adds up to doing nothing right now. 

Or maybe I should be waiting. I wish things were more clear.