what do i want?

You should read this.

"everyone needs their own teenage fan club"

I was in a washroom with four other girls (members of Skule Nite cast), and every one, including myself, walked in, looked at themselves in the mirror, and said something self-deprecating.

What's wrong with us!?!?!

I had to get my picture taken for cast pictures, and he must have gotten so annoyed with me, because I was all like "I'm not photogenic!" and "I hate my smile!"

But it's true. I'm not photogenic. I don't necessarily think I'm ugly, but I definitely can't take pictures. I used to take really good pictures when I was a kid, but somewhere between then and now, I decided that I was not photogenic and then proceeded to actually not be photogenic. I'm sure if I thought I was photogenic, I would be, but for now, all I can think of is how weird I must look when there's a camera, in front of me.

Again, the problem seems to be low self esteem. Gah! I will slay you, self-loathing!

Cool points for who gets the reference in the title of this entry.

a splash of colour

I don't have a camera. I thought that this blog could get by on just my amazingly insightful words.

Whatever. This is my favourite picture from the surprise party. It doesn't really show anyone, but I like that the room is full of love.

long lost love

There was this boy I knew once and he was good looking, nice and insightful and I was in love with him, and sometimes, I wonder if he "got away".

Whenever I have a crush, I have the tendency to get all Sixteen Candles. I get all crazy "in love" when I've never had a conversation with the guy, and sigh, "He's so out of my league, anyway." So you see what the problem is. I idealize a somewhat good-looking guy until he's so perfect that he'd never lower himself to my level.

Ha! I'm self-delusional AND self-loathing. (I think it's funny, so it's okay for you to laugh.) Look! Self-discovery is fun!

What's inspiring this personal reflection? Unsure, really... Well, maybe I know, but it's embarrassing so it will be a secret. But I thought this pattern was worth mentioning, and one day surrendering, so I can be a little more of the person I should be.

mirror, mirror on the wall

I lost my tweezers. I put them in my pocket so I could pluck out a white hair from Roger Mong's forehead when I saw him, but then I lost my tweezers and I'm doomed to have bushy eyebrows because I can't afford another pair.

I'm going to have eyebrows like my dad's. My dad has eyebrows like Jim Carrey's in Series of Unfortunate Events (the movie).

bugged

I feel like I have bugs in my ears. That or a lot of wax. Either way I'm uncomfortable.

Thought of the day: Paul Reiser's stand-up comedy was talking about to-do lists. We only write down the unimportant things that we forget, yet while we have those lists, it becomes our single-minded purpose to check things off.

Nothing got checked off my list today, but I have a big long one for tomorrow. I hope I don't dream about it.

i don't want to sleep

My brother told me over the holidays that the number of people who write blogs is greater than the number of people who read them. Interesting, eh? It's probably because people are intrinsically selfish. Or it could be that reading is hard.

It's late, but I'm feeling like I don't have enough closure to go to sleep right now. I remember when I was a kid at home, I couldn't/wouldn't go to sleep until I was sure that I had said good night to everyone. I'm missing that bedtime closure. I miss my family, and my roommates are already asleep (plus it might be weird).

I had so much to do today, but very little got done. Well, a lot got done, but not until I spent a few hours doing nothing. I hate it when that happens. I went to Living Room*, though, and it was nice to hang out and talk about big topics.

Big question of the night: As the Israelites called God the "God of Abraham, Isaac and Israel" to show that He is the same yesterday and today and forever, what name would you give God to describe His nature?

I called Him "the God of my mom". My mom's turning sixty in a few days (She doesn't look it and would probably stop me from telling anyone.) and so she's been on my mind. 60! I'm one third her age. By the time I'm where she is, I'll have lived two more of my current lifetimes. My mother is a vibrant, beautiful woman, quick to laugh, and she's always had this resolute faith that has carried her over the years, which I've seen in church, when she prays, when her sisters come over. I'm blown away by knowing that she's had this incredible sixty-year journey. The God who hears me has heard her.

Donald Miller said that he knew what God sounded like and someday hoped he would see the lines of His face. I bet my mom has some idea.

This entry's for my mom. She'll never read it, and if she did, she might laugh at me, which is fine. But she deserves some sort of online kudos. Happy birthday!



*My church group.

hermitian holidays

As with most holidays, for this one I had a list of things I wanted to do by the end of it. Wonderfully productive things! But as I attempt to do each one, the phrase, "but it's my holiday!" comes to mind, and I end up getting very little done.

Here's a list of the things I have gotten done this holiday:

o read
• Prince Caspian, C. S. Lewis
• Voyage of the Dawn Treader, C. S. Lewis
• Silver Chair, C. S. Lewis
• What Color is Your Parachute?, Richard Nelson Bolles
• Surrender to Love (not a trashy romance novel, but a cheesily-named yet insightful book on the nature of God), David G. Benner
• The Laramie Project, Moisés Kaufman
o watched
• half a season of Gilmore Girls
• 1.25 seasons of Dead Like Me
• third a season of Scrubs
• thrid a season of House
• Edward Scissorhands
• Benny and Joon
• Pride and Prejudice
• Bridget Jone's Diary
• The Producers
o gotten sick once
o eaten too much
o spent quantity time with Gloria
o learned how to play two songs on the guitar from Danny

Impressive, eh?* I'm trying to take stock of everything. It's a possibility that I could be living here again once I'm done with school. I feel like a different person when I come home. I don't have to worry about having someone to talk to, I don't have to worry about eathing, I don't even have to worry about getting anything done. Of course, those things will have to change if I move here.

Well, most things are going to have to change very soon.

My dad thinks I should go to law school. I almost believe him. (But not quite.)

Today I'm in love with Callum Blue. 8 cool points to whoever knows who that is. (This one's for you, Sarah.)






*Impressive that one can watch so much television.