it's funny because it's true

Those who internet-stalk me will probably notice that I've been telling everyone about this picture. I don't care. I think it's really funny and I can't go to sleep.

every mountain and hill made low

Today, right after I finished making this speech about how I don't like bad grammar, I said "I speak really good."

Ouch. It seems my God is one of irony.

are you racist?

I kinda want to write a one of the quizzes you find in teen magazines that are suppossed to tell you whether you're "flirty" or "outrageous", by asking you ten questions. Except, the fact is that the questions are so out there that they just don't mean anything.

I want to do a quiz that figures out whether you're racist. The questions would be equally shallow.

How many friends from visual minorities do you have?
a. Soooo many
b. Like, five
c. One, maybe

Do you like food of different ethinicities?
a. Love it.
b. Like it.
c. Don't like the idea of meat that isn't from a farm, won't eat anything raw, won't eat the feet or brains of anything.

Okay, so I realize that this is a bit offensive, so let me make clear what my point is. These kinds of questions don't really say anything, right? They don't tell me whether you're racist or not. However, embarrassingly often, people will tell me facts like these (i.e. "I have lots of Asian friends." or "Pad thai is my favourite food.") in order to justify themselves.

Fine, if you say you're not racist, I'll believe you, but don't pretend you're not ignorant. Don't pretend that you're not making assumptions about people. Don't pretend that you're not a little uncomfortable with people different than you, if that's the case.

I think that's what irks me about not being white sometimes. I think it's funny that I fill some of the stereotypes, but when anything is assumed about me, even if it's true, it kinda feels like I'm being talked to rather than talked with. And when people talk about "these Asian people" doing this and this, I feel like that's all being added to that glob of assumptions they'll make.

And eventually, when people get to know me, I won't be Asian anymore. I'll be their friend, instead. But even though I don't speak Korean or have Korean friends, this is a part of who I am. But I also don't want to be their "Asian friend" who they use to justify their ignorance.

I'm getting really confused. I'm not mad, but sometimes I get a little upset about stuff like this. I usually laugh because it's funny that some people don't get when they're being a little offensive - but what is it indicative of? Maybe a small I-don't-know-any-better, or maybe it's an ignorance that they won't admit.

And, do you know what? Now that I'm thinking about it, I'm just as guilty. But that doesn't make it better.

es·ther ('es-t&r) -adj.

Has your name ever been used as an adjective? It seems to happen to me everyone once in a while and I usually love it, but right now, I'm just confused by it.

I mean, I've tried to pin down what people meant - I even tried using esther (-adj). This is me asking a friend an opinion on a shirt:
"What do you think of this?"
"I like it."
"I do too, but I'm not sure it's 'me'."
"... If you like it, then it's you."
"... Oh."

I can't define this word! What does it mean when something is so "esther" and why does everyone else seem to have an idea? I love that people find something about me that merits it's own word, but it's frustrating when I, myself, don't understand its meaning.

When I think about it, I've often made other people's names into adjectives for them. I wonder if they understand their adjective.

"shoulda said"

There's this really fun improv game that I watched once where you play a scene and every once in a while the director will interrupt and say "shoulda said" and you have to take back what you just said and say something even better.

Wouldn't it be nice if life was like that? If someone watched your conversations and intervened occasionally to make your conversation 10 million times more entertaining? Or maybe not even more entertaining, but a little bit more tactful, a little bit more helpful.

Right now, I keep on rerunning conversations in my head, and trying to make them better - trying to make a different world where people always understand me, always get my jokes. Or maybe being a little off-the-mark sometimes is part of my charm.

Have you ever done something that is so embarrassing that you can't stop thinking about it? I have those moments often.