When I was younger (I won't say how much younger because it might be embarrassing.) I wrote a punk song about how I didn't want to fit in. But as I get older, the more and more I realize that isn't true. I do want to fit in. I think the punk song was more about what I wanted to want, rather than what I actually wanted. Because when you want to fit in, you so often get disappointed, so it's much better just to not want it.
This question has been bouncing around in my brain since the end of the year. I have been to a few different places - U of T, Sheridan, La Pocatiere, high school, Skule Nite, various churches, various classes - and I'm wondering where I actually fit. In high school, I was the smart one, so I went to U of T. At U of T, I was the theatre one, so I went to Sheridan. And now, at Sheridan, I don't know what I am, so I don't know where to go next.
So here's the question: do you fit in where you blend in the most or where you stand out the most? Denise Norman told me that I was unique, which I have heard before, but honestly, hasn't everyone?* But if I am truly unique, maybe I won't blend in anywhere. Maybe the place where I belong is where who I am will be brought to light, and that might be shown by contrast rather than in a context of similar people.
I don't know. Maybe there is no such place.
*Isn't it ironic? Don't you think?
2 comments:
i don't know either esther; i usually feel like i don't fit in; and i can't see what i look like from the outside (obviously) so i never know if i LOOK like i fit in.
but -- "pay attention: there is hope here" (i read that in an ad this morning, i think/hope it applies too all this somehow)
I have been thinking along the same lines as you Esther.
I look at my two Grandma's right now. Both have had their husbands die within the past 2 months. One has a strong group of friends to support her. The reason why? She stayed in the same city for a long time and only attended three or four churches during her life.
The other has had two marraiges, moved cities, countries and churches various times. She doesn't have a close a net-work of friends to support her during her time of mourning.
So I have been thinking that if our age group is constantly traveling, changing careers, cities, churches etc etc....what kind of net-work of friends are we going to have when we get old?
Will we ever fit in or will we just become a transient society that lacks true community and connection. Which reminds me of how the 'new immergent' Christian world is trying to renew community. Yet can our globe trotting society ever have that? We are constantly making relationships and then breaking them to move on to something else different.
I guess that is why I wanted to see you so badly. I think your worth having as a life long friend:). I don't want to be alone when I grow old.
I guess fitting in isn't just about taste but about relationship building. ie: our rag tag group of friends.
Sorry I know this is your blog but I wanted to put my 2 cents in as well.
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