i'm not very good at making plans.

IFor some reason, I'm very reluctant to make plans when I know I have a day off. Now, it doesn't help that I don't actually know what my schedule is until the night before, but even so, I find that my usual response to any plan is "maybe." For example, today, I have the day off (until 4) and I woke up and realized that I made any firm plans at all - I had two or three potential plans, but they were so vague that at this point they weren't likely to materialize. In my horrible way, I feel like if I make plans, I might miss out on something better. But what sometimes happens is that I miss out on anything.

Now, for the larger implications: I'm now graduating, and here is this block of time that I have dubbed The Rest of My Life. I have no plans. I have not looked for a non-performing job in case I get a performing job. I have not looked for a place to live in case something pulls me somewhere else. And this seems reasonable, but it just adds up to doing nothing right now. 

Or maybe I should be waiting. I wish things were more clear.

the wheels on the bus

I hate to say it but I've been on this bus for about 8 hours now, and I don't totally hate myself! The bus has wi-fi so I've internet-bugged a lot of people, watched Early Edition and Scrubs... Actually this bus ride is kind of what I do on my days off. That's sad for every other time but now. (Yay!)

So, it's no secret that I've been doing my typical angst-about-the-future thing. Right now, I can talk about it in a logical manner. The questions running through my head are:

1. "What am I going to do with the rest of my life?"

I'm deciding to disregard this question because it is far too general to answer, and it also tends to lead to despair.  The only answers I can think of that are true always sound a bit trite.

2. "Will I ever be able to work in this industry?" 

This can also be an unproductive in the question because it is inherently pessimistic. If this was an SAT question, I would instruct my students to not answer "No" because that would be too extreme. A less extreme answer would be "Yes", because sometime down the line I should be able to work. An even less extreme answer (and therefore, the best answer) would be "Maybe." 

And this is, of course, guessing strategy. With the information I have, however, the answer is "Probably." This may seem overly confident to some, and a little too careful for others, but I think this is the most correct answer. It's a hard industry, and realistically, I don't have a lot of experience, I'm not a dancer, I'm not the strongest singer, and I'm not the best actor (yet). Also, even with the reassurances of many of my teachers, I don't believe being a non-white, non-skinny girl is an asset (yet).

But to neglect the other side of the story would also not be honest (though tempting, because at least with one side of the story, we can be conclusive). I've been to Sheridan, and on top of the training I've received, I have many great friends who I want to collaborate with. I can pick up dance combinations better than I ever could, and in a show situation, I can even pull it off. My voice is still growing, but furthermore, I like the way it sounds sometimes. And despite whether I'm a good actor or not, I believe in it. I work hard and I can be funny and thoughtful. I've been writing songs that I like, and I think I can tell some good stories. 

If you've been keeping track, these arguments lead us to a very strong "Maybe," but here's where I'll push into "Probably." I want to do it. I want to tell stories. I want to share my songs and expose God's narrative in my life. So that's why I tentatively say "Probably."

3. "How am I going to make money?" 

So I'm on a bus to NYC. Who does that? People trying to squeeze every penny at the expense of their own comfort. I'm planning to go to see shows, but I haven't bought any tickets hoping that I'll get some rush tickets. When I come back home, I think I'll have about $100 to my name. I feel capable of many things, but getting jobs that I didn't hate has never been a skill of mine.

I need a job that is flexible so I can audition, and that I wouldn't feel too bad leaving if I got a performing. Or maybe I need to put something on hold.

Anyway, that's what's happening in my brain. Maybe NYC has something to tell me, and I'll have interesting and insightful things to say for my ride home.

my exodus

Here's a rough version of a new song. I'll probably record it better when I have more time, but I just wanted to share.

lonely is an illusion

Good Christians often start introspections with "I was reading in my Bible..." and then go on to make some enlightened connection from a seemingly out-dated book to their lives. Well, this is no claim to being a "good Christian," but I gotta say, there's something about these Genesis stories that connect. There's something lonely about these stories of people going on big journeys.

The connect? Well, I don't know. I'm about to graduate and I'm scared. I don't have a job, an agent, or any real plan. I have dreams but they are all smoke right now. I would love to keep on writing music, but it's hard to bank on inspiration. I would love to get a job performing, but I have to get someone to hire me first. I wonder how I'm going to pay for rent, food and OSAP. I wonder if I should move out of my parents' into Toronto, like I always assumed. 

I guess that's the loneliness. With all these questions, it's easy to think that I'm in this by myself - any luck or disaster that befalls me will be solely mine. And it IS a lot like that when I'm trying to "market myself" to casting directors, artistic directors, and agents. I guess that's also why performing is fun. All the glory's yours too. But maybe that explains why performers are often egotistical and moody.

I suppose being lonely is an illusion. Even your character is a product of so many relationships. I know being at this moment would not be possible if not for so many friends and family members who have supported me and challenged me. And then there's the promise that God keeps on speaking to all these journeyers - "I will be with you."

Maybe lonely is an illusion, but I still try to touch the pictures at the 3D movies.

pop music is okay

Hey. Maybe I'll do this again. 

What I learned: It's much faster to make a video of you playing music than recording it.

Enjoy, friends!

Happy 2009!

Ah, yes. It's that time of year again - the end of it: the wonderful time of retrospect and blogging! This was the end of the year I arbitrarily named Year of Not Being Shy. So I don't know what I really did this year besides change my Facebook profile and go to Korea, which I don't know qualifies as "not being shy" but significant nonetheless.

Anyway, I don't feel so great about YNBS as I did about Year Without Fear. Year Without Fear was a year of great change, and while YNBS did have some lovely moments, it wasn't as slap-in-your-face changing. To be honest, I don't know if I committed to the whole "not being shy" as much as I should have - I don't know if I was totally sold that my being shy was a bad thing. Shouldn't I exercise caution when meeting new people? (Especially cute boys?)

I've been avoiding thinking during this very long holiday. So much so that I've even taken up regular exercise. (I know! What is going on with me?) Is there something I'm avoiding? Is there something that I'm trying not to look at too hard? Or am I finally getting over my over-analytical emo phase?

2009 is a big year. Graduation, looking for work, making work, moving (where to? maybe Toronto? maybe somewhere else?). I'm really really really scared.

May this year be everything it could be, friends. May you become more of who you were meant to be. Happy 2009!

big e(s)the(r/l)

I used to read Archie comics all the time, until I realized how repetitive and politically incorrect they were, but still, I remember always going to the store, sitting on a milk crate by the magazines and reading Archie comics.

One way I think that has affected me is my intrinsic attitudes towards male-female interactions. Now, I realize quite vividly that, even though Betty never gets the guy, she is obviously the better of the two, but my deep-seated issues lie with that sad, other girl, Ethel.

At my young age, I was able to see the injustice of Archie always going for Betty, especially when Betty and Veronica looked exactly the same, except for the hair, but at that point, it never occurred to me to see how coarsely they were portraying poor Ethel. Now, whenever I think of approaching a guy, I have this fear of being like Ethel - running at him, with buck-teeth and hearts around my head.

You know, there aren't a lot of female names that start with 'E'. I know this is kind of out there, but that very fact draws me a little too close to her. Ethel was the only girl who ever approached the guy in those comics (except for maybe Betty, but that never ended well for her either), she's the only non-hottie, and guys cringed when she came around, fearing that she might fall in love with them.

But, you know, at least Ethel was happy. She never spent too much time feeling sorry for herself. I don't know. It's just too easy to cop out.

thank you, friends

disappointment intimacy and monsters

So, just as a follow-up to the post earlier today, what happened is I waited for another 2 hours, and then opened the email to much disappointment. Now, that disappointment is gone now, after I have gained my right mind, but at that instant, even with the thankful preparation, I was devastated... well, maybe, I was just disappointed but then we had this feedback loop of being upset with myself for being disappointed, and then it just got out of control.

If I want to work in this industry, I realize that disappointment is something I will have to become intimate with. Disappointment may have to become my boyfriend. But as reasonable as I can be on paper, this monster of emotion comes welling up inside of me saying things like, "You're not good enough to do this!" and "No one believes in you!" or even worse, "(S)He got a great part and you didn't?!?!" And the strange thing is that these things can contradict each other, but I'll believe all of them.

Anyway, with the help of Jesus Christ, the monster's away for now, hushed with promises of peace, songs of love, and hints of purpose. But I can't help but be disappointed (Ha! There it is again.) with how much I let that monster take control.

Oy vey. Is this life? Or is this just my life?

"give thanks in all situations": an exercise

So here I am, at 7:30 on a Sunday morning, awake after about 3.5 hours of sleep, checking my email for the casting list. See this week, my class did auditions for the next four shows, and this morning, the head of the program will email us a list of who is playing what. My father (who always wakes up early. Don't ask me when - no matter how early I wake up, he's always up before me.) asks me why I'm up, and I tell the lowdown. 

"I just really want a good part, but there are so many talented people in my class," I tell him. "I'm afraid that I'll get left in the dust here."

"If you think that way, you'll always be disappointed," says my father sagely. "Be thankful always..." Then he continues on and explains why, and I have to be honest, I think I trailed off.

So, still unable to sleep, and still watching my email closely, feeling hope, but feeling more like I'll be disappointed, I decided to close that window for now, and be thankful in a systematic, list way, because that's how I roll.

• I'm thankful for Sheridan. Remember what I miracle it was that I got in?! I'm amongst the most talented students in the country, and I really am honoured to be working with them and being friends with them. I often get stuck on being jealous of their talents, but that is a waste of energy. 
• I'm thankful for living at home. I know I often complain about the commute, but I love my parents and these last few years, they've been supporting me so much, and I've gotten to see what amazing people they are.
• I'm thankful that I get to do a pop critique! I get to play the Opera House in less than a week, with an amazing band. I've seen songs I've written come to life by an amazing band! I've gotten to write songs! At Sheridan, I gotten some great encouragement when it comes to songwriting, especially when it comes to a shy girl like me. 
• Because of my waking up early, I'm watching the sun slowly fill my living room, while I lay in a blanket by the fire. I may be neurotic, but it's opened me up to this moment right now.
• I'm thankful that the show closed last night but with so much energy and life. It's, of course, sad, saying bye to things like that, but it was really fun and even though I had a small part, it was a good part. I got a song, I got to play the guitar, and I got to express myself mostly through dance!

I suppose I could go on forever. I have forgotten to do this so often lately. I am so blessed, so I resolve to be thankful, no matter what the casting. I'm going to check my email again. Wish me luck,