snap back to reality*

So I've been in Canada two weeks now, and Seoul seems so far away. Everything that happened there seems to be fictional at this point, and all the people I met and all the things I learned seemed to be encased within this storybook, rather than something that happened just a little while ago. As if I worked that much teaching SAT prep, math and physics! As if I shopped as much as I did! As if I stayed in a place where I didn't know the language for so long! It seems unreal. Even the spiritual growth I experienced seems very far away now.

So here I am at the beginning of my last year of musical theatre school. Can you believe it? I was talking to my friend at church today, and she said it just seemed like yesterday I was about to plunge into it from just finishing at U of T. Wow! As if I went to U of T for engineering! Everything is starting to be fictional.

Korea seemed to be training me for something. With Jubilee, I really learned a new way to worship God, which doesn't necessary seem to work the same way in my life here. Maybe it's this coming year, preparing me to make all these big decisions. I've totally been here before! Three years ago, I went through the same spiel of questions. Remember all those emo blogs? I liked them, but they were clearly from heart of angst of a 20-year-old girl. Now I am 23, and have everything under control!

This is my life, but I refuse to give that phrase too much gravity. There are either no mistakes or too many. Either way, if I try and control it I'll just get run over.

This year is my showcase year and I'm supposed to be coming to a point where I'll can show the world what I've learned over the last two years, and that's supposed to be some semblance of enough. This year, may I be bold enough to let myself be who all these experiences have led me to be.

This is a blog from December 2005. It's kind of crazy how life works. You know, secretly, I hoped that doing this musical theatre thing from engineering would make me more interesting to people. I'm not really sure if that worked. I think, no matter what I did three years ago, I'd be just as interesting, which just goes to show - what people actually do is kind of superficial. Really, how does it reflect the actual person? This week, I've met up with friends from university who are becoming lawyers, doctors and PhDs, but to me, they haven't changed - they're just finally finding their niche.

Too many big questions for one blog. I'm out of practice. I've missed you, written blog.




*At the noraebangs in Seoul, Lose Yourself became my signature song.

vlog #17: final thoughts from incheon

Last one. It's been cool.

vlog #16: feet in the Cheongyecheon

vlog #15: pensive

I'm think-y. There will an action-packed one soon!

vlog #14: happy

Look at me, being all positive!

vlog #13: two down, one to go

This is only a quick check-up. I wouldn't recommend this to anyone who wants to be entertained.

vlog #12: my family

vlog #11: political thoughts and theatre

Okay, so I've stopped being nervous about vlogging, but that is now having an adverse effect. This happened with school too - without being concerned enough, I'm a little too laid back and I'm babbling on too long with no point and I haven't properly planned out what I'm going to say.

With this in mind, here's vlog #11:

linda, aren't you proud of me?

Dear Linda,

I climbed a freakin' mountain today, and you'd better be proud, because it was really hard, and I'm never doing it again.

So I called Umma this morning to ask her which mountain I should climb, and she said she used to climb Dobongsan every weekend. Every weekend! It should be no problem for me to do just once. So Sharon and I took the subway for an hour to get there.

Here's me when I still had hope. I took this picture specifically for you, Linda. Please note that I'm eating corn.


I hope you like tragedies. This next picture was taken as we turned a corner. Sharon (who was speeding in front of me) said, "Esther, don't look up." And then when I looked up, this is what I saw:


This is the first of many hopeless views on my climb.

How did Umma do this every weekend? I'm tired, and I will go to bed before 9:00 tonight as a result. I didn't think I was that out of shape, but Sharon went up with me, and she had fun. I was literally saying things like, "I don't wanna do this anymore. I'm going to stop." and praying aloud to Jesus, asking Him to get me to the top of the mountain. It brought back those wonderful, ahem, memories of climbing mountains with you. I kept on thinking about how ashamed you'd be of me for taking so many breaks, then being so proud of me for actually getting to the top.

Oh, and we got to the top. Too bad is was too cloudy to actually see anything. So my proof of getting to the top is the map at the bottom of the mountain. We went to Jaunbong - that's right, the TALLEST ONE.

You would have loved this mountain, though, Linda. There's all these ajimas and ajishees in full-out hiking gear - nylon shirts, Nalgene bottles, and hiking poles. They were all so hard-core, and then they'd all find a corner and have a picnic. The wimps were the younger ones.

Linda, you'd be so proud of me and Sharon. We're eating so healthy because we're on this Daniel fast thing - no white flour, no animal products, no sugar. I was just eating pineapples. Aren't you proud? I'm eating like you minus the weird low-fat foods. They have these tofu chips which are amazing.

I need to go to bed now, Linda. I miss you, and I'm mad that I wasn't home when you were. I feel like I'm getting left out of family events. Especially when I get up early to call home at dinner time when I know you'll all be there, and no one is there, because everyone left already. That makes me sad.

You are going to move to Vancouver now, and you'll be far far away again, so Hardeep and I cannot visit you as easily, even if you insult him when he tries to help you. I miss you, seester.

love,

esther
P.S. I'm sorry for depressing you. I'm actually feeling pretty good. I wonder if that's related to the exercise.

vlog #10: pros and cons

I'm tired. I have less insight and entertainment capability when I'm tired.