i hate running

I mean, I really hate it. People say it's relaxing, that you can turn your mind off and just go. Well, for me, somehow, I can't stop thinking about how little breath I have.

People say that it's all mental and, honestly, I think that's why I hate it. I mean, if I was more fit, it would be less of a psychotic game. My internal running dialogue is a lot like this:
"Okay, I've just started, no big deal, I'm not even tired... Oh no, is that a leg cramp? No! Too late. I've already started. Oh man, I should have stretched better.... one lap... Okay, Esther, you have to at least do 10. You did 10 before. No big deal, you should be able to do that again, maybe even more. Should I do 11? Maybe I should do 11... I'm so tired... No. Keep on going, you can DO this. Press on. ... two laps"

Tiring, eh? Yeah, tell me about it. This is like my life. I always feel like I'm pushing myself, and I always want to do more. Don't get me wrong - I am very lazy, but when it comes to things set before me, like school, working out, it's always this mental game where I see how hard I can push myself.

I have so much school in front of me and I really want to do well. I'm staying in most nights so I can study and work on my essays, and when I don't get enough done, I berate myself, and try to use that push harder.

My sister, Gloria, said I should try and simplify my life now that school is ending. Maybe she's right. Or maybe I just have to work harder.

So the question is: Should I push my limits? Or should I try and realize them? I really like the sound of the first one - it's like one of those things that should be on a poster that they have in a guidance counsellor's office - and the second one scares me - this sounds like the people who don't believe in me. Plus, it sounds a lot less straightforward.

I once said that I thought a life of fear was one of mediocrity. I think I was wrong. Some people are afraid of mediocrity. (I'm afraid of mediocrity.) 2006: Year Without Fear is turning out to be more complicated than I thought. When I think I've conquered a fear, it now seems that I'm just more afraid of something else.