that weight on your shoulders is called a backpack

You know when you take out this heavy book from your backpack, but when you put it back on, it's still heavy? That is my life at this moment. After much griping, I finally turned in my teacher's college applications. Expecting to be very relieved, I've suddenly remembered all the things I've been neglecting. Like school. I have been attending classes regularily (except one...) but now that my mind is free to see what's going on, I realized that I haven't been mentally present for weeks.

Whatever. It's not like exams are next week or anything... right? Right?! Uh oh.

My quantum prof could be a teenage Korean girl. She's very young, a little ditzy, and sing-songs repetitive concepts in her Korean accent. I bet my mom was like her. I don't doubt that she is very intelligent (she is well-recognized as a researcher), but she's a character. She'd be in my sitcom. Anyway, today she was talking about researching. Specifically she said, "If you want to you go into research, you have to be very good at math, and this is easy math!" (Note: I don't think Bessel functions are easy math.) It then occured to my that I do not want to go into research. I kind of knew that already, but "kinda knowing" something is a little worthless. "A little worthless" is a little worthless thing to say.

I love backpacks. They're very practical. However, it serves as a constant reminder of my burdens. Then again, if I filled it with candy, it would still be heavy.

"your blog's depressing"

Today, I shall attempt to write a non-depressing entry, but I don't know whether I'll be able to pull it off. I am generally a pretty uppity person, and I've had a good week, but I'm getting into a brooding pensive mood.

My dear friend Sarah told me yesterday that my blog's depressing, and I totally agree with her. I feel sometimes like I'm trying so hard to look so deep and introspective that I'm missing out on revealing on redemptive truths. Or maybe I'm just trying too hard (and failing too much :D*).

In my life, there have been three major events this week:
1. V and K-lub came in.
2. American Thanksgiving.
3. Harry Potter with Soozi and Sarah.
See what I mean by a good week? Action-packed with wonderful people. I've picked out a theme: Seeing people I haven't seen for a long time.

I've often likened my life to a streetcar (because I like streetcars). People get on and off and you get to ride with people for so long.** I've been so blessed to have had so many people on the "e-car", but I just feel like it sucks hard that so many people have to get off. And then it sucks even more because even though it is relatively easy to still talk to them, I don't.

My seester, Gloria, said something to me once that one of the problems of today's society is that we have so many means of communicating with each other (i.e. cell phone, text messaging, email, etc.) that we really believe we're closer to each other, and that we understand each other more. But it's a lie. We're making ourselves feel "connected" when we're probably just as lonely as any other generation, if not more. We don't really see people, we see Contacts and MSN Buddys, Ignore and Block buttons.

That's why this week was good. Seeing people rather than physics problem sets is awesome. I missed these people so much. Things can't ever be the same, but that's supposed to be a good thing. I'll always miss sitting in the common room in first year talking, chilling in my PJs with my rez family. I'll always miss sitting in the HOW at high school talking about nothing and dressing up in weird costumes. Will I miss this time, right now? I guess we'll see in time. "No day but today," as the cast of Rent would say.

The dream of the day is to be a professional figure skater. I just have to learn how to skate and age backwards.







*:D indicates that the preceding comment should be taken light-heartedly.
** Note: I've also often said that life can be really likened to anything, you just have to be creative. Try the following exercise:
1. Fill in the blank.
Life is like _____________________.
2. Then you explain why life is like it, and it usually, but certainly not always, has to do with life's variability. So you often you can fill in the following blanks.
Sometimes it's _____________ and sometimes it's ________________.
I'll call it MadLib philosophy.
Actually it's interesting. When I was in grade nine, I was convinced that most of life was set up to be a great metaphor for bigger things (i.e. "life"). It was nice to believe that meaningless things weren't meaningless. I should revert back. This footnote is long.

my glasses are broken

I'm in the habit of doubting everything I think. For example, examine the following:

"I hate physics."
"Or am I just sick of school, and since I study physics, I think I hate physics as well?"

"I hate school."
"Or am I just bored? Or am I just upset that I don't get the marks that I want?"

"I don't want to be a teacher."
"Or do I just not want to do the work of applying? "

They say you should be familiar with your bias. I don't think I know mine. While, yes, I think it's good that I don't think that my thoughts are the be all end all, what if I never think I'm right and never let myself really think I'm wrong? Alas, I am still searching for that seemingly fictional character, Happy Medium.

It's like I think my glasses are broken, so I don't trust what I see. Except I don't wear glasses.

Could this be yet another aspect of my low self esteem? (insert collective gasp) I've gotta get rid of that. Don't worry, friends. It's on my list of things to do.

"I am an intelligent woman with a bright personality and I truly believe that I would be a great teacher."
- My teacher's college application

"it could always be worse"

That is my least favourite saying. So what we're really saying is that the depths of bad situations are infinite.

Maybe I'll start saying that.

"So yeah, I'm kinda feeling down because of all these bad things that are happening."
"Well, the depths of bad situations are infinite!"

Then I'll smile sympathetically, like people always do after saying "it could always be worse".

True. Things could always be worse. Things could always be better.

Well, things are okay...for now.

it's not that i'm trying too hard, it's that i'm failing too much

It is a simple yet proven fact that:

The amount you want someone to like you is inversely proportional to the amount they actually will.

People don't like me because I have low self-esteem... and I'm ugly.

school isn't my friend today

I don't like school.
But I'm trying to like it.

School is like your annoying cousin that you try and get along with because they're family, and you know that they mean well, but they just really get on your nerves.

"I gotta get out of here."
-Relient K

what happens when Plan B falls through?

We're told by "The Comic Toolbox" by Jon Vorhaus that in order to make the stakes higher, there must be a reward for success but also a punishment for failure. In other words, Plan Bs just make things boring or unfunny.

I think my life is trying to model itself as a comedic sketch. I wonder what the punchline will be. And who's laughing?!

"Giving up never felt so good,
Welcome to Plan B."
-Five Iron Frenzy

psst... I read your blog

I'm weird. Not in that cool way that makes people like you, but in that way that's hard to understand. Sometimes I go up to people and say, "psst... I read your blog," and I feel guilty! Like, I know that it's published on the internet and all that stuff, but I still feel guilty. What if they didn't want me to read it? I just kind of stumbled upon it, but what if they made it only for certain people to read, i.e., people they like, and I'm not one of them.

Facts about me:
#1: I am easily guilted.
#2: I always think that people don't like me.

So... Are you okay with me reading your blog? Should it even matter to me?
Let me tell you a secret: I only bookmark the blogs of people who've sent me their link. But in reality, I read a lot more of them regularily.

Usually when I tell people about my invasion of their internet space, they're always like, "Oh... Okay. Well, I did put it on the internet." Then I feel awkward (which isn't hard for me to do), because I feel like I just told them I can see them change through my window.

One time, my friend told me that blogging was exhibitionist. I totally agree. But maybe we don't see enough of each other. We're so fenced off from each other, that maybe emotional streaking is something that we should all have to do.

Still... Is it okay to watch?

how to make a bad day worse

1. Be extremely emotional.
2. Repeat.

people i don't understand suck

I believe myself to be pretty reasonable.

But who doesn't? Who really says "I'm not reasonable." and means it when it comes to the logic behind their actions? Yes, people say mean things about others, but I'm sure they believe they have good reasons for it. We know that stealing's wrong, but it seems completely reasonable in Ocean's Eleven.

Okay, so say I am in conflict with another person. I'm trying to see their point of view, but it seems like this yields two outcomes:
1. I see their point of view, but it's wrong and they're crazy.
2. I see their point of view, and I'm wrong and I'm crazy.

Of course there's the theoretical idealistic outcome:
3. I see their point of view, understand it, and realize that we're both wrong and both right.

But who can expect such balance? Well, everyone.