i'm an HTML genius

I've made a special "Cool Points" section in my sidebar so we can keep track of who is awesomer.

It took me all morning.

Wow. I'm a nerd.
...I'll give my self negative points.

today, I am in love with:

Matt Chapman.

10 cool points to whoever knows who that is without clicking on the link.

Now, back to studying.

i wish we were still friends

Remember when I was talking about guiltily reading people's blogs? For a while, I was actually feeling okay about reading all these blogs.

Well, I must now confess that I've been guilting again. There's this guy that I used to be friends with, and it would be safe for everyone to say that you don't know this person. Not to say that we are now enemies, but we just don't really talk or hang out or joke around anymore. I don't really feel comfortable around him like I used to.

So I found his blog. Wonderful thing -- smart, deep and witty. I even wanted to comment until I realized that I was afraid. I didn't want him to see that I was reading his blog, and think, "Why is she reading my blog?" It would even be different if I was a complete stranger. Nope. I am an incomplete acquaintance.

I guess I just need to get over it, eh?
I'll add it to the list.

But do you know what? I don't need friends! Once I marry Jeff Davis, I won't have to worry about things like basic human social skills.

can i schedule some spontaneity in for next weekend?

I finally bought some inserts for my Harry Potter agenda*, and after I stuck them in, I suddenly realized what was in there. If you don't know what I'm talking about, I put in a year's worth of dated pages . A year. Theoretically, this means that I have started anticipating dates up to next December. Most frighteningly, there is (though I haven't checked, because I'm too scared) a September 2006 in there! There is a blank date where it should say "Lectures begin" that I'm not going to fix.

I'm know I'm one to exaggerate my emotions, but, for real, this is freaking me out.

I don't know what's going to be happening in a year! ... No, not a year... Less Than A Year. Half of those pages represent days that are totally unknown to me. Before, I could anticipate where I would be living or what I'd be studying, but now, there's only this void.

This is new to me. Throughout high school, I always assumed that I would be going to university (it was a pretty good assumption), but now when I look ahead, there's great uncertainty.

So here's the thing: About four months ago, I was seriously considering going to theatre school after my engineering degree. It was exciting! It was adventurous! But now, to be honest, that seems very foolish and naive.

... It probably is.

I need to find a job, I think.
The future freaks me out.


*A sixteenth birthday present from Soozi.

there no place like home

Family is such a precariously beautiful thing. Somehow, we're stuck into this group of people that define us for a good part of our life and watch the rest of it very intently, often providing commentary and judgment (i.e. advice). They are these people who we're totally comfortable with, yet may not even know a lot of the time. And if you're lucky, you love them and they love you.

I'm lucky. We had our Christmas dinner early this year, to accomodate Dinda's travelling plans. I have a wonderfully big family - seven kids! I'm third from the bottom, so I was able to cash in on the mentorship of my older siblings and the comraderie of my little siblings. Whenever we get together, I feel like it's magic, because when I think about it, we don't really do anything. We just sit around, eat, make lame jokes, eat, watch movies, and eat. We don't talk about anything special, we don't laugh about anything especially clever (we're usually laughing at each other), and the movies don't usually inspire any exceptionally great dialogue. And we don't even get along all the time. We're all moody, volatile people. But my heart always jumps when we're together.

Dr Dinda would probably say that's probably a minor heart attack after all the unhealthy eating we've done.

I just want everyone to know, and by "everyone" I mean the few people I divulged my secret blog to, how much I love my family. We are the coolest bunch of people - we're not all the same (it's like someone cast us for a sitcom or, as we once decided, an animated series), but we all understand why French toast is funny, and we all share the same need for cheesy potatoes.

I have a brother-in-law. It must have been frightening for him to meet all of us.

Rent and 1 john

There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. [s]He that feareth is not made perfect in love.
- 1 John 4:18

Give in to love or live in fear.
- Rent

These have been the theme of the last few days. I've had some really good conversations with people I love this week, and again and again, these words kept coming to mind. Actually, I put the Rent quote up on my refrigerator with refrigerator letter magnets. In a conversation we had last night, my roommate Belloise just pointed to the quote again and again, because again and again, this was our problem - living in fear.

I remember one time in high school, there was a bomb threat, and I went to school not realizing that most people used that as an excuse to stay at home. What I remember, and I'm not sure why, is that Sarah was there. Whenever someone would ask her why she came, she'd say, "My dad says you can't live a life of fear."

Though I don't really think that skipping school that day had anything to do with fear for most people, I still remember that. What's a life of fear look like?

Unfortunately, I think the answer is a life of fear looks like everyone else's.

Fear is such a reasonable response to the world. The worst case scenario is pretty bad. Having no money is a big deal, and you're very right to want to avoid it. Being alone is a pretty harsh reality for a lot of people, so why not you? So, reasonably, we settle again and again. We never tell that person we love them, because they might not return the feeling. We don't go on that trip, pursue that dream, take that risk, because it could backfire. And it could. People qualify this, of course, but the truth is that "there's a fine line between hero story and cautionary tale." (Todd Cantelon) So the life of fear, I believe, is one of mediocrity.

What shall we do then?

We give in.

How? I'm not sure yet. I'm still trying to figure it out.

"If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question."
- Lili Tomlin



I meant this to be inspirational, but I got lost. It doesn't really make sense.
Maybe that's the point. The first quotes seem to imply that love and fear are opposites, so if fear seems reasonable, maybe love shouldn't seem that way.

I know. It's a bit of a handwaving argument.
Either way, be inspired, friends! Something beats fear!

i'm the worst stalker ever.

Over the summer, I had become obsessed with a certain Sharron Matthews. I believe her to be extremely funny, extremely talented, and extremely friendly and humble, and therefore worthy to be praised. Scary, eh? I bet you're happy that I'm not talking about you, because then you'd be searching the internet on how to get a restraining order.

So to save this amazing woman from my own insanity, I decided to restrain myself. She was, afterall, a very busy woman who can't be bothered to answer all my emails (right?). However, today, to my dismay, I find that she has a website.

"How could you not have known about this?"
"I don't know! I do love her, I swear!"
"Tsk, tsk. Well, it's not like you could have guessed it."
"Umm... well..."
"The website's not http://www.sharronmatthews.com/ is it?"
"..."

Today, I reward myself with the Worst Stalker Ever award. Not that I want to be a good stalker. Or a stalker at all. Wait... What am I upset about again?



Disclaimer to Sharron Matthews: I'm not actually stalking you. It's okay that you don't answer my emails. I didn't write you that many anyway. [Again, I'm just joking. Sharron Matthews responds to emails.]