"oh, fie, fie, fie!" #2

I did my Shakespearean monologue again today. It wasn't very good. Last time, I was in the moment, etc., but today I just didn't seem to get it. And that fact was reflected in the multitudes of notes I got from people. Now, they all weren't totally constructive (not to say that they were mean), but the general idea was that there was something missing.

So Mimi Mekler told me to play in the sand with my scene partner, who was supposed to be my brother, like how we did when we were kids. Now, here I am, a little sad that my monologue didn't work.

Side note: These last couple weeks have been a little hard for me. I keep on getting criticism that cuts my heart, even though I reasonably know that it wasn't personal.

Okay, so I'm on the verge of unreasonable tears, and I'm in a scene playing in a sandbox with my brother. So what do I do? I find an excuse to cry. I'm a kid, right? Alex Fiddes ruins my moat so I tuck in my knees and cry until he fixes it. Then we go on building the sandcastle.

Then Mimi says, "Okay, now, start your text."

The rest is a bit of a blur. It all seemed to touch me a lot more. I cried over my brother dying and how I could save him but wouldn't. It was all real. After that, I was upset for the rest of the class.

And I wonder: Is this really how it's supposed to be? Isn't it unhealthy to do this to yourself? I think there's something really big to be learned here, and maybe, today's monologue has been the reason I've been so emotional lately - so I could learn how to use it. Maybe. Does that sound too crazy?

Acting's hard. Being real in a situation that is decidedly not real.

I want to be good at this, even if it drives me crazy (and I think it might).