lazy sunday

It's weird, the images that stay with us. Today the image I'm recalling is from The Associate, starring Whoopi Goldberg. There's this scene after everything has gone wrong for her, and so she's locked herself up in her apartment. When Dianne Wiest comes to convince her to fix her life, we see her apartment filled with completed jigsaw puzzles. 

Every Sunday, I don't do work. Now, the reason for this is that I think I work really hard the rest of the week, and according to the bible, I'm entitled to one day of rest... Right? Writing that down, I realize the bible doesn't really say that. It says that I should keep the Sabbath holy. It's not about my version of resting (which is watching seasons of tv shows) but it's about re-dedication, re-focussing. 

Sometimes I feel like I have all the answers, if I just sat and thought things out. But that's certainly not true: I think it's more like I can't stand having unanswered question in my head, so I make up incomplete answers.

an academic discussion on the surface.

One of my sister's professors at Mac studied marking essays, etc., to see what the "best way" to mark is. How should you mark so the students learn as much as possible? Apparently, the prof's conclusion was the best way to mark was "really high," meaning my sister got 110% on an essay that she felt luke-warm about.

So, right now in I'm in school for performance - something that is very subjective, unlike engineering, where the right answer is very clear. I wonder what the best way to mark would be. In engineering, I know it would be impractical to give easy tests so everyone gets a good mark, or to give marks where wrong answers are, but in performance, sometimes I feel like it would be nice to get consistent As. If it's so subjective, then why not tell me I'm awesome all the time, so I feel encouraged and work harder.

Of course, I understand the value of getting lower marks - I have to know where I can improve, and as much as everyone says that I have to measure my own journey, I have to know how I compare. Maybe you've guessed by this point that this academic discussion is just the movement on the surface. It's just tough to try to not consider yourself a B-level performer, when despite your best efforts, that is your mark.

No, no, NO. I cannot define myself that way. John always referred to himself as "the one whom Jesus loved." I must strive to do the same.

learning to be helpless

My brother has been saying that his blog-a-days have been producing insincerity, which, I suppose, is the risk of any artist trying to produce art. For me (for today at least) I feel like there are always things bubbling over the top that I never really get a chance to express. Sometimes it's "I'm really tired. I want to whine." but I guess that whole hope for honesty is what I'm aiming for.... well, maybe something more than that - interesting honesty.

So on Sunday I heard a sermon on love, and the speaker said that the best love comes when you feel completely helpless. I don't really understand that fully, but I'm finding myself in situations where I am at a loss at how to love my friends. I can try to do what I can for them, but sometimes, I just feel helpless. When I heard the sermon I thought that the receiver of love is supposed to feel helpless, not that the giver might need to be. I guess none of us are true givers of love, but channel-ers of God's love, and we need to get the f out of the way for that to happen.

i'm not a milkmaid, i just play on tv

Today we performed our show for the rest of our class, and I think the show is kinda good! Hurray!

imperfect polaroids

I came across a picture yesterday of myself when I first came to Sheridan. It's a horrible Polaroid of me at the audition. I looked at the picture and thought "Wow, have I changed!" Is that true? And if it is true, has that change been growth?

I feel like some parts of my growth have been figuring out what I'm not, which is painful and humbling. But sometimes, maybe I need to differentiate between what I'm not and what I'm not yet. I'm not an ingenue, and probably never will be, and I'm also not someone who has tact and grace coming out of every pore, but hopefully, someday, I will be.

Even though it's past midnight, I still consider it Saturday. Today we did our first dress rehearsal, and I remember why I love this so much. It reminded me of SkuleNite! I think no matter where I get to in life, I'll always remember SkuleNite, and even though it was a non-professional show done by engineers, it was really something extraordinary.

I'm tired. Inviting lots of people on Facebook is hard. I'm actually going through every person to see whether that person is 1. a good enough friend or 2. would like live music. I have too many non-friends on Facebook. It's a little weird.

e out.

it's friday!

You know what that means! It means I failed my blog-a-day task! I have a good excuse, though - Blogger was seemingly not working, giving me a chance to play my favourite computer game, Hearts! One thing I'll miss about PCs is the awesome games, like Hearts, Spider Solitaire, Chip's Challenge*, Minesweeper, etc. I realize I can probably download those things, but that would defeat the purpose. I can't go out of the way to get those things - They are meant to be incidental distractions. Those kinds of things eat my life away.

Today, to mix things up.... a picture!

This is my friend with a vocalise book in the G-basement, the place where I spent the last two years. I had a singing test this morning which I could not study for more because I'm at school until 10 and have to be back for 9. I'm not complaining though. I've already done that. Honestly, the fun people around me are making even the boring stuff fun.

*Chip's Challenge is more of a memory from Windows 95.

day 2

I almost gave up on this whole blog-a-day thing. Day 2 is an important day for me. I'm a big dreamer, and that gives way to many plans - too many plans to actually follow through on everything. So often I'll, in my mind, make these very well-intentioned plans that will inevitable lead me to be a better performer/musician/student/person, that never come to fruition.

I had a conversation with my friend Lucas* about how frustrated we were. I believe I have worked hard, but often I sometimes take a break from working hard because it doesn't seem to show anything. I know I'm supposed to trust the abstract concept of "the process" while I just optimistically trudge along, but sometimes that doesn't seem like enough.

*You wanna hear something embarrassing? Lucas and I have to kiss in the show, but I'm really bad at it, so yesterday we were practising. Of course, we got caught in the most embarrassing way possible. Our choreographer called us onstage telling us to stop having so much fun. GA!

taking my own advice/following my brother's example

I was talking to my sister on the weekend, and she was talking about when we were kids. If Danny would act up, we had completely different approaches to it. Gloria, in all her 11-year-old wisdom, decided that the best way for us to help him was to set an example. My response, according to her, was "That won't work!!" so I decided to yell at him while Gloria acted how she thought he should act.

Today, the trend continues. I still yell at my brother (though not as often, and much subtler), and my latest piece of "advice" to my brother was to write in his blog daily. He wants to be a writer, and it seemed like good advice. What I didn't really anticipate is that he would actually do it. Instead of waiting for inspiration, he's just writing down his uninspired thoughts, and the result is wonderful. So, now, by some weird combination of things, I am following my brother following my advice. I'm going to try and write a blog everyday. Maybe the result won't be very good, but at least I'll be consistently getting things down. Like my brother, I want to be a writer someday (I'd like to write a play someday.), also, I want to be a songwriter, but lately the inspiration doesn't seem to be there. But maybe I just need to practice. Or maybe it's not what I'm meant to do. Or maybe that's being pessimistic. Sometimes I can't tell.

I'm in the theatre right now, doing mic checks for Two Gentlemen of Verona. I keep on missing my turn to go up. Everyone is a little grumpy or a little down. I'm trying to muster up some sunshine. That's not easy.

gossip is a funny word

Relient K has this great song called "Who I Am Hate Who I've Been," and I really don't need to tell you more that, because I think it's pretty clear what it's about. But that feeling of remorse is a good thing, I think, because it means you're changing.

However, lately, I've been feeling degenerative. I've spent the last couple school years with roughly the same thirty-five people, and while, I understand and cherish the benefits of a bunch of people growing together, I feel like lately, I've been feeling the disadvantages, hardcore. I've totally fallen into the trap of gossiping and judging my peers. And I don't really know if this is true, but I feel like it's especially hard to avoid in a performance program, where we are constantly watching each other and critiquing so our own performances can get better. But I think we forget to stop when the person stops performing and let that person just exist.

Once, at church, we were talking about gossip, and something very wise was said about often Christians will gossip under the mask of Christian concern. At school, our gossiping is all in the name of human study/performing arts. It all seems very right, very proper, to dissect the behaviour of our friends, so we can understand how to view their performances with better context. But even if the people never find out how much I discussed them, I know that I'm not really seeing people for who they are, but for who I've concluded they must be.

But then again, sometimes, I just feel like I need to vent. But is this venting letting go of these thoughts inside me, or necessitating a need for them? Maybe if I didn't "vent" all the time, I would just stop getting so frustrated or judgmental. Is this the case? Someone talk to me.

*I'm on my new computer. I thought I should christen it with a blog entry. This is the start of my new life: I spent 6 years on my old PC desktop, and now I enter the professional theatre world with this pretentious piece of plastic under my arm.

my contribution to the internet this week

is a song. I know I haven't been blogging very well, but whatever, you all are reading this over a feed anyway. I got recording equipment this week, and as a result, realized that my computer is too old and I need a new one. I might get a Mac, but I just hate Mac users. They're all so effing* smug!

So I recorded a song and put it up on my my my myspace: http://myspace.com/estherwroteasong. It would be cool if you had 2:42 to listen to TES. I spent all Sunday afternoon on it, and I'm cautiously proud.

Peace, friends!

*I believe that "effing" of "f" (as in "what the f!") is the funniest way to not swear.