slaying green-eyed monsters

Skule Nite is over. I worked hard and long with so many other people, and now I find that there's going to be this large gap in my life for a bit. This year, I found that Skule Nite has revealed my lowest parts to myself. I've been so tired and so annoyed and, most regrettably, I've found that I've been so jealous.

I once heard a preacher say that being jealous was a sin because you are refusing to rejoice with others in their blessings. Sounds pretty bad, eh? But what if you can't help it?!

I tried for a long time to just ignore my feelings, but it didn't work. They bubbled to the surface in ways that I couldn't imagine. So what's left? - Accept your feelings. But then I feel like such a horrible person because of these incredibly petty responses and the even pettier ways they bubbled to the surface.

A friend told me that it is ridiculous to be upset with the way you feel - emotions are usually completely reasonable. I suppose the trick is to not let your jealousy get in the way of loving people. (I'd rather learn to juggle.)

Shouldn't I be changing, though? Shouldn't I be beyond these grade five emotions? I thought the deal was transformation, but in many ways, I still feel like a child.

When getting communion today, I prayed that I would change, but, in the meanwhile, be okay with who I am. It's hard to deal with a broken world, especially when that broken world is inside of you.

Good night, my friends. Tomorrow, everything will be new again.