i'm an HTML genius

I've made a special "Cool Points" section in my sidebar so we can keep track of who is awesomer.

It took me all morning.

Wow. I'm a nerd.
...I'll give my self negative points.

today, I am in love with:

Matt Chapman.

10 cool points to whoever knows who that is without clicking on the link.

Now, back to studying.

i wish we were still friends

Remember when I was talking about guiltily reading people's blogs? For a while, I was actually feeling okay about reading all these blogs.

Well, I must now confess that I've been guilting again. There's this guy that I used to be friends with, and it would be safe for everyone to say that you don't know this person. Not to say that we are now enemies, but we just don't really talk or hang out or joke around anymore. I don't really feel comfortable around him like I used to.

So I found his blog. Wonderful thing -- smart, deep and witty. I even wanted to comment until I realized that I was afraid. I didn't want him to see that I was reading his blog, and think, "Why is she reading my blog?" It would even be different if I was a complete stranger. Nope. I am an incomplete acquaintance.

I guess I just need to get over it, eh?
I'll add it to the list.

But do you know what? I don't need friends! Once I marry Jeff Davis, I won't have to worry about things like basic human social skills.

can i schedule some spontaneity in for next weekend?

I finally bought some inserts for my Harry Potter agenda*, and after I stuck them in, I suddenly realized what was in there. If you don't know what I'm talking about, I put in a year's worth of dated pages . A year. Theoretically, this means that I have started anticipating dates up to next December. Most frighteningly, there is (though I haven't checked, because I'm too scared) a September 2006 in there! There is a blank date where it should say "Lectures begin" that I'm not going to fix.

I'm know I'm one to exaggerate my emotions, but, for real, this is freaking me out.

I don't know what's going to be happening in a year! ... No, not a year... Less Than A Year. Half of those pages represent days that are totally unknown to me. Before, I could anticipate where I would be living or what I'd be studying, but now, there's only this void.

This is new to me. Throughout high school, I always assumed that I would be going to university (it was a pretty good assumption), but now when I look ahead, there's great uncertainty.

So here's the thing: About four months ago, I was seriously considering going to theatre school after my engineering degree. It was exciting! It was adventurous! But now, to be honest, that seems very foolish and naive.

... It probably is.

I need to find a job, I think.
The future freaks me out.


*A sixteenth birthday present from Soozi.

there no place like home

Family is such a precariously beautiful thing. Somehow, we're stuck into this group of people that define us for a good part of our life and watch the rest of it very intently, often providing commentary and judgment (i.e. advice). They are these people who we're totally comfortable with, yet may not even know a lot of the time. And if you're lucky, you love them and they love you.

I'm lucky. We had our Christmas dinner early this year, to accomodate Dinda's travelling plans. I have a wonderfully big family - seven kids! I'm third from the bottom, so I was able to cash in on the mentorship of my older siblings and the comraderie of my little siblings. Whenever we get together, I feel like it's magic, because when I think about it, we don't really do anything. We just sit around, eat, make lame jokes, eat, watch movies, and eat. We don't talk about anything special, we don't laugh about anything especially clever (we're usually laughing at each other), and the movies don't usually inspire any exceptionally great dialogue. And we don't even get along all the time. We're all moody, volatile people. But my heart always jumps when we're together.

Dr Dinda would probably say that's probably a minor heart attack after all the unhealthy eating we've done.

I just want everyone to know, and by "everyone" I mean the few people I divulged my secret blog to, how much I love my family. We are the coolest bunch of people - we're not all the same (it's like someone cast us for a sitcom or, as we once decided, an animated series), but we all understand why French toast is funny, and we all share the same need for cheesy potatoes.

I have a brother-in-law. It must have been frightening for him to meet all of us.

Rent and 1 john

There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. [s]He that feareth is not made perfect in love.
- 1 John 4:18

Give in to love or live in fear.
- Rent

These have been the theme of the last few days. I've had some really good conversations with people I love this week, and again and again, these words kept coming to mind. Actually, I put the Rent quote up on my refrigerator with refrigerator letter magnets. In a conversation we had last night, my roommate Belloise just pointed to the quote again and again, because again and again, this was our problem - living in fear.

I remember one time in high school, there was a bomb threat, and I went to school not realizing that most people used that as an excuse to stay at home. What I remember, and I'm not sure why, is that Sarah was there. Whenever someone would ask her why she came, she'd say, "My dad says you can't live a life of fear."

Though I don't really think that skipping school that day had anything to do with fear for most people, I still remember that. What's a life of fear look like?

Unfortunately, I think the answer is a life of fear looks like everyone else's.

Fear is such a reasonable response to the world. The worst case scenario is pretty bad. Having no money is a big deal, and you're very right to want to avoid it. Being alone is a pretty harsh reality for a lot of people, so why not you? So, reasonably, we settle again and again. We never tell that person we love them, because they might not return the feeling. We don't go on that trip, pursue that dream, take that risk, because it could backfire. And it could. People qualify this, of course, but the truth is that "there's a fine line between hero story and cautionary tale." (Todd Cantelon) So the life of fear, I believe, is one of mediocrity.

What shall we do then?

We give in.

How? I'm not sure yet. I'm still trying to figure it out.

"If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question."
- Lili Tomlin



I meant this to be inspirational, but I got lost. It doesn't really make sense.
Maybe that's the point. The first quotes seem to imply that love and fear are opposites, so if fear seems reasonable, maybe love shouldn't seem that way.

I know. It's a bit of a handwaving argument.
Either way, be inspired, friends! Something beats fear!

i'm the worst stalker ever.

Over the summer, I had become obsessed with a certain Sharron Matthews. I believe her to be extremely funny, extremely talented, and extremely friendly and humble, and therefore worthy to be praised. Scary, eh? I bet you're happy that I'm not talking about you, because then you'd be searching the internet on how to get a restraining order.

So to save this amazing woman from my own insanity, I decided to restrain myself. She was, afterall, a very busy woman who can't be bothered to answer all my emails (right?). However, today, to my dismay, I find that she has a website.

"How could you not have known about this?"
"I don't know! I do love her, I swear!"
"Tsk, tsk. Well, it's not like you could have guessed it."
"Umm... well..."
"The website's not http://www.sharronmatthews.com/ is it?"
"..."

Today, I reward myself with the Worst Stalker Ever award. Not that I want to be a good stalker. Or a stalker at all. Wait... What am I upset about again?



Disclaimer to Sharron Matthews: I'm not actually stalking you. It's okay that you don't answer my emails. I didn't write you that many anyway. [Again, I'm just joking. Sharron Matthews responds to emails.]

that weight on your shoulders is called a backpack

You know when you take out this heavy book from your backpack, but when you put it back on, it's still heavy? That is my life at this moment. After much griping, I finally turned in my teacher's college applications. Expecting to be very relieved, I've suddenly remembered all the things I've been neglecting. Like school. I have been attending classes regularily (except one...) but now that my mind is free to see what's going on, I realized that I haven't been mentally present for weeks.

Whatever. It's not like exams are next week or anything... right? Right?! Uh oh.

My quantum prof could be a teenage Korean girl. She's very young, a little ditzy, and sing-songs repetitive concepts in her Korean accent. I bet my mom was like her. I don't doubt that she is very intelligent (she is well-recognized as a researcher), but she's a character. She'd be in my sitcom. Anyway, today she was talking about researching. Specifically she said, "If you want to you go into research, you have to be very good at math, and this is easy math!" (Note: I don't think Bessel functions are easy math.) It then occured to my that I do not want to go into research. I kind of knew that already, but "kinda knowing" something is a little worthless. "A little worthless" is a little worthless thing to say.

I love backpacks. They're very practical. However, it serves as a constant reminder of my burdens. Then again, if I filled it with candy, it would still be heavy.

"your blog's depressing"

Today, I shall attempt to write a non-depressing entry, but I don't know whether I'll be able to pull it off. I am generally a pretty uppity person, and I've had a good week, but I'm getting into a brooding pensive mood.

My dear friend Sarah told me yesterday that my blog's depressing, and I totally agree with her. I feel sometimes like I'm trying so hard to look so deep and introspective that I'm missing out on revealing on redemptive truths. Or maybe I'm just trying too hard (and failing too much :D*).

In my life, there have been three major events this week:
1. V and K-lub came in.
2. American Thanksgiving.
3. Harry Potter with Soozi and Sarah.
See what I mean by a good week? Action-packed with wonderful people. I've picked out a theme: Seeing people I haven't seen for a long time.

I've often likened my life to a streetcar (because I like streetcars). People get on and off and you get to ride with people for so long.** I've been so blessed to have had so many people on the "e-car", but I just feel like it sucks hard that so many people have to get off. And then it sucks even more because even though it is relatively easy to still talk to them, I don't.

My seester, Gloria, said something to me once that one of the problems of today's society is that we have so many means of communicating with each other (i.e. cell phone, text messaging, email, etc.) that we really believe we're closer to each other, and that we understand each other more. But it's a lie. We're making ourselves feel "connected" when we're probably just as lonely as any other generation, if not more. We don't really see people, we see Contacts and MSN Buddys, Ignore and Block buttons.

That's why this week was good. Seeing people rather than physics problem sets is awesome. I missed these people so much. Things can't ever be the same, but that's supposed to be a good thing. I'll always miss sitting in the common room in first year talking, chilling in my PJs with my rez family. I'll always miss sitting in the HOW at high school talking about nothing and dressing up in weird costumes. Will I miss this time, right now? I guess we'll see in time. "No day but today," as the cast of Rent would say.

The dream of the day is to be a professional figure skater. I just have to learn how to skate and age backwards.







*:D indicates that the preceding comment should be taken light-heartedly.
** Note: I've also often said that life can be really likened to anything, you just have to be creative. Try the following exercise:
1. Fill in the blank.
Life is like _____________________.
2. Then you explain why life is like it, and it usually, but certainly not always, has to do with life's variability. So you often you can fill in the following blanks.
Sometimes it's _____________ and sometimes it's ________________.
I'll call it MadLib philosophy.
Actually it's interesting. When I was in grade nine, I was convinced that most of life was set up to be a great metaphor for bigger things (i.e. "life"). It was nice to believe that meaningless things weren't meaningless. I should revert back. This footnote is long.

my glasses are broken

I'm in the habit of doubting everything I think. For example, examine the following:

"I hate physics."
"Or am I just sick of school, and since I study physics, I think I hate physics as well?"

"I hate school."
"Or am I just bored? Or am I just upset that I don't get the marks that I want?"

"I don't want to be a teacher."
"Or do I just not want to do the work of applying? "

They say you should be familiar with your bias. I don't think I know mine. While, yes, I think it's good that I don't think that my thoughts are the be all end all, what if I never think I'm right and never let myself really think I'm wrong? Alas, I am still searching for that seemingly fictional character, Happy Medium.

It's like I think my glasses are broken, so I don't trust what I see. Except I don't wear glasses.

Could this be yet another aspect of my low self esteem? (insert collective gasp) I've gotta get rid of that. Don't worry, friends. It's on my list of things to do.

"I am an intelligent woman with a bright personality and I truly believe that I would be a great teacher."
- My teacher's college application

"it could always be worse"

That is my least favourite saying. So what we're really saying is that the depths of bad situations are infinite.

Maybe I'll start saying that.

"So yeah, I'm kinda feeling down because of all these bad things that are happening."
"Well, the depths of bad situations are infinite!"

Then I'll smile sympathetically, like people always do after saying "it could always be worse".

True. Things could always be worse. Things could always be better.

Well, things are okay...for now.

it's not that i'm trying too hard, it's that i'm failing too much

It is a simple yet proven fact that:

The amount you want someone to like you is inversely proportional to the amount they actually will.

People don't like me because I have low self-esteem... and I'm ugly.

school isn't my friend today

I don't like school.
But I'm trying to like it.

School is like your annoying cousin that you try and get along with because they're family, and you know that they mean well, but they just really get on your nerves.

"I gotta get out of here."
-Relient K

what happens when Plan B falls through?

We're told by "The Comic Toolbox" by Jon Vorhaus that in order to make the stakes higher, there must be a reward for success but also a punishment for failure. In other words, Plan Bs just make things boring or unfunny.

I think my life is trying to model itself as a comedic sketch. I wonder what the punchline will be. And who's laughing?!

"Giving up never felt so good,
Welcome to Plan B."
-Five Iron Frenzy

psst... I read your blog

I'm weird. Not in that cool way that makes people like you, but in that way that's hard to understand. Sometimes I go up to people and say, "psst... I read your blog," and I feel guilty! Like, I know that it's published on the internet and all that stuff, but I still feel guilty. What if they didn't want me to read it? I just kind of stumbled upon it, but what if they made it only for certain people to read, i.e., people they like, and I'm not one of them.

Facts about me:
#1: I am easily guilted.
#2: I always think that people don't like me.

So... Are you okay with me reading your blog? Should it even matter to me?
Let me tell you a secret: I only bookmark the blogs of people who've sent me their link. But in reality, I read a lot more of them regularily.

Usually when I tell people about my invasion of their internet space, they're always like, "Oh... Okay. Well, I did put it on the internet." Then I feel awkward (which isn't hard for me to do), because I feel like I just told them I can see them change through my window.

One time, my friend told me that blogging was exhibitionist. I totally agree. But maybe we don't see enough of each other. We're so fenced off from each other, that maybe emotional streaking is something that we should all have to do.

Still... Is it okay to watch?

how to make a bad day worse

1. Be extremely emotional.
2. Repeat.

people i don't understand suck

I believe myself to be pretty reasonable.

But who doesn't? Who really says "I'm not reasonable." and means it when it comes to the logic behind their actions? Yes, people say mean things about others, but I'm sure they believe they have good reasons for it. We know that stealing's wrong, but it seems completely reasonable in Ocean's Eleven.

Okay, so say I am in conflict with another person. I'm trying to see their point of view, but it seems like this yields two outcomes:
1. I see their point of view, but it's wrong and they're crazy.
2. I see their point of view, and I'm wrong and I'm crazy.

Of course there's the theoretical idealistic outcome:
3. I see their point of view, understand it, and realize that we're both wrong and both right.

But who can expect such balance? Well, everyone.

invertebrae

I love the show "Sex in the City", but the main character annoys the hell out of me. When it comes to her boyfriends she never says what's on her mind! But besides my whole theory that people on tv are not real and you, therefore, need not have any regard for their feelings, I wonder why this would annoy me so much.

I think I'm the same way. (For me at least, people annoy me because I'm annoying - topic for another day.) Though, I'm not reknowned for my many relationships, I often back down way too early. I don't stand up for myself - People never know that I'm angry at them or that I'm annoyed. Ideally, I would never be annoyed or angry at anyone. And perhaps, it's better that I don't "get up in everyone's grill". But still, I don't like being so afraid of other people's opinions, that it actually stops me. It's like a prison, but just on the other side of those bars is a lion. I'm still trapped, but maybe it's not wise to break loose.

Passive aggression seems to be the disease of pleasant people. I believe I am pleasant people, but I know that sometimes that comes at the cost of my honesty. I've been thinking about self-control as a virtue. We all admire those who are reckless, who say what's on their mind, but is this actually bad?

Where can you be found, oh Happy Medium?

jumping off the blog bridge

I have a journal. It has coloured pages and I use this special pen. Only I read it, and I somehow feel that if I let anyone see it, they'll know how lame I am. I'm not saying you should read my journal (but it's way interesting), but I've been reading a million blogs lately, and I keep on seeing this interesting (non-lame) side of people.

I want an interesting side. :(

I figure formation is a good name for this blog. I want to figure out stuff and grow, and I want to catalogue it. It's a process. So if I'm as much of an idiotic child as I believe I am (which I doubt because I have really low self-esteem), well, here's hoping that will eventually change, and I'll be able to watch it happen... online... because that's the only way I see anything*.




*"anything" refers to Daily Show clips.